I took my family to Peter Piper Pizza tonight. I stressed about what I would be wearing. I stressed about how my girls' hair looked. Was it brushed? Was it neatly put up in a pony tail? Did my daughter have on too much make-up?
I yelled at my husband (playfully) that he had dressed my baby in the outfit I just threw in the goodwill pile only hours before. He (the baby) looked like a nerd. The two year-old cried as I "scrubbed" the marker off of his face and arms. (His spare time is often spent drawing colorful road maps all over his bare extremities.) Oh, and my furniture. My teenage son didn't want to go with us. Mumbling something about schoolwork (yeah right) and of course having to be seen with the WHOLE family. While I shook my head in disapproval as his pants sank well below the plaid plastered butt of his boxers, I was even more discouraged to see my 11 year old son wearing a shirt that had todays lunch wiped on it. (Which you could barely see under all of the dog hair.)
The dog, I might add, that has peed on my freshly cleaned carpets, pooped on my couch in front of company, and wanders aimlessly sniffing out scraps all over my kitchen. And might I add, she finds them. Big ones. Entire strips of waffle, toast crusts, and whole grapes. Among other lovely tidbits. And that is impressive, since the other family pet, the 9 month old, has usually gobbled up all of the big pieces.
I am discouraged. My body is warn out, stretched out, and sad. My house is cluttered, dirty, and tired. And well, I already described the kids. My husband is neglected. We are financially struggling and our marriage has not been nurtured with date nights, time alone, family outings, or whatever the needs may be.
All of this is overwhelming. Is it everything, well no, but it is a big part of who and what defines us. It is a big part of whether or not I feel I can hold my head high when I run into people who know me now, or who knew me years ago...it is the part of my life that I can cling to and say..."Yeah, but look at what I have accomplished. I have this great house, this immaculate place where I raise my family. I have these perfectly coiffed children dressed in matching outfits and designer collections from Gymboree...which just shout 'My mom pays attention to the details!' And let me introduce you to my perfect husband whose perfect job and our perfect marriage affords us twice yearly vacations alone!"
Throughout our last 18 month struggle with finances, kids, marriage, friends, and our own health and our own bodies, I have held on to the fact that I want that dream. I want that perfect life, those perfect children, the perfect circumstances, and the perfect person to share it with.
Today I was reminded that none of it matters. All of those things, those facades that we wear, none of it matters. We are only here for such a short time. We only have the people that God has trusted to us for such a short time. We only have imperfection for such a short time.
Why do we try so hard to run from what is so real? Why do we strive to be and have those things that would impress the people that don't matter?
Why would I rather fix my daughters hair how I think the world wants to see it, than to let her proudly wear it the way she wants it to be? Am I really that fragile that I am afraid that I will be judged by her messy head? Jesus, let it not be.
Why do we look past what is so perfectly given to us, in order to look for what has not been provided?
Today, a young woman that I personally never knew, but admittedly prayed for not often enough, lost her battle with cancer. She was young. Her family is young. They lost a mother. A wife. A daughter.
I bet they would tell me that if I had problems that money could solve, I had no problems at all.
I bet they would tell me that if I had problems that a hairbrush or some laundry soap would fix, I had no problems at all.
I bet they would tell me that instead of seeing the clothes, I should see the faces.
I bet they would tell me that it doesn't matter if my child lights up the room, but they should absolutely be my bright spot.
I bet they would tell me when it came to my family, instead of worrying about how much I weighed, I should worry about how much we played.
I bet they would tell me that instead of worrying about the dog mess, I should hear how much the kids laugh when they play with her.
I bet they would tell me that my family, my husband, and even myself, should be full of life...light in a dark place...and should be my focus from this day forward.
Not that I perform for them perfectly, but that I love them absolutely.
That if I should be called home to Jesus, they are left with no doubt. Only love.
You know what, I took my family to Peter Piper Pizza tonight.
And nothing else matters.
The Maid
PS - Be praying for the Miller family. That they are left only with love and nothing else.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
Ten Truths...
Okay, since I have disappeared from blogging, and have been tagged by the faboo Queen April, I believe I am supposed to confess 10 truths about me. I hope I do this correctly...here goes:
1) My hubby met me in a bar, and was instantly attracted to me as I was hugging his best friend. I blew him off. It was only a little later when he knew it was true love as I was "table dancing" on top of a huge speaker at the same bar. Aww, the beauty of such a classy love story.
2) We recently bought a dog, at my insisting, and I can't stand her now. She bites my babies with her stupid little puppy teeth and has peed on my carpet. The honeymoon is so over. Anyone want a 4 month old chug?
3) I don't have a problem turning into my mother. She is, in fact a really wonderful person...we have some pretty distinct differences and get on each other's nerves, but I wouldn't mind being more like her in some ways. What I do have a problem with is that I seem to be bypassing turning into my mom...and going straight to grandma. Who turned the music up so loud, where did this sciatica pain come from, and why do I want to put on a moo moo and walk around without a bra?
4) I recently had the distinct pleasure (sarcasm) of running in to an old highschool boyfriend...and all I could see in his blue eyes was...dang, she got fat. He left the event we were both at without even as much as a goodbye. Jerk. Yep, I may be fat, but you are still single...nearly 20 years after highschool. Standards too high or is it that you really are a superficial jerk?
5) I lost sleep over number four. I know I shouldn't care. My hubby loves me just the way I am, but I am not proud of how I look or what I have become. This was not the dream I had for my life. It is a sad day when you realize that only YOU have he power to change your life. I have been waiting all of this time for God to do it for me. I think He said that I should get up and do it myself. Sigh.
6) I am blogging right now because my house is a pig sty and I want to avoid it.
7) I have cankles right now. I never have cankles. No matter how fat I have been over the years, I have always taken pride in my thin ankles. I have either been on my feet too much, am in early kidney failure, or have crossed the fat person point of no return. Let's pray it is the first one.
8) I am a truly sucky judge of character. The people that I usually trust and confide in burn me. Often. I guess that comes from wearing my heart and my opinions on my sleeve. Or just having a really wide open mouth. Either way, I want to learn to reserve information until I truly know a person well, but I know that it goes against the fiber of my being. I am, and always have been, a what you see is what you get person. Easy to figure out? No. Easy to know where I stand? Yes.
The up side of this...people have sometimes surprised me with who they are in a good way. The person that I thought couldn't stand me...reached out and was very thoughtful and interested in my life. The person that I thought was not someone I wanted to hang out with, has become one of my closest friends. The people that I thought were living less like Jesus have turned out to be the best example of Him.
9) I truly want to run a marathon. I know that I probably never will. When it comes to excercise...I chicken out. And I think I carry a little contempt in my heart for the people who do it well.
10) I hate when people think they know me and know what I will think/do/say...when they truly don't know at all. (Just because I love humor, sarcasm, and laughter...doesn't mean that I can't be serious, spiritual, and deep. I can dig a good snot cry from time to time!)
:) Thanks Queen for tagging me...I will be poking pins in my queen voodoo doll when you set sail on your cruise in 11 short days. (Confession no. 11.....yes, I am jealous. Sounds like a marvelous time!)
Sincerely,
Your truth confessing Maid :)
1) My hubby met me in a bar, and was instantly attracted to me as I was hugging his best friend. I blew him off. It was only a little later when he knew it was true love as I was "table dancing" on top of a huge speaker at the same bar. Aww, the beauty of such a classy love story.
2) We recently bought a dog, at my insisting, and I can't stand her now. She bites my babies with her stupid little puppy teeth and has peed on my carpet. The honeymoon is so over. Anyone want a 4 month old chug?
3) I don't have a problem turning into my mother. She is, in fact a really wonderful person...we have some pretty distinct differences and get on each other's nerves, but I wouldn't mind being more like her in some ways. What I do have a problem with is that I seem to be bypassing turning into my mom...and going straight to grandma. Who turned the music up so loud, where did this sciatica pain come from, and why do I want to put on a moo moo and walk around without a bra?
4) I recently had the distinct pleasure (sarcasm) of running in to an old highschool boyfriend...and all I could see in his blue eyes was...dang, she got fat. He left the event we were both at without even as much as a goodbye. Jerk. Yep, I may be fat, but you are still single...nearly 20 years after highschool. Standards too high or is it that you really are a superficial jerk?
5) I lost sleep over number four. I know I shouldn't care. My hubby loves me just the way I am, but I am not proud of how I look or what I have become. This was not the dream I had for my life. It is a sad day when you realize that only YOU have he power to change your life. I have been waiting all of this time for God to do it for me. I think He said that I should get up and do it myself. Sigh.
6) I am blogging right now because my house is a pig sty and I want to avoid it.
7) I have cankles right now. I never have cankles. No matter how fat I have been over the years, I have always taken pride in my thin ankles. I have either been on my feet too much, am in early kidney failure, or have crossed the fat person point of no return. Let's pray it is the first one.
8) I am a truly sucky judge of character. The people that I usually trust and confide in burn me. Often. I guess that comes from wearing my heart and my opinions on my sleeve. Or just having a really wide open mouth. Either way, I want to learn to reserve information until I truly know a person well, but I know that it goes against the fiber of my being. I am, and always have been, a what you see is what you get person. Easy to figure out? No. Easy to know where I stand? Yes.
The up side of this...people have sometimes surprised me with who they are in a good way. The person that I thought couldn't stand me...reached out and was very thoughtful and interested in my life. The person that I thought was not someone I wanted to hang out with, has become one of my closest friends. The people that I thought were living less like Jesus have turned out to be the best example of Him.
9) I truly want to run a marathon. I know that I probably never will. When it comes to excercise...I chicken out. And I think I carry a little contempt in my heart for the people who do it well.
10) I hate when people think they know me and know what I will think/do/say...when they truly don't know at all. (Just because I love humor, sarcasm, and laughter...doesn't mean that I can't be serious, spiritual, and deep. I can dig a good snot cry from time to time!)
:) Thanks Queen for tagging me...I will be poking pins in my queen voodoo doll when you set sail on your cruise in 11 short days. (Confession no. 11.....yes, I am jealous. Sounds like a marvelous time!)
Sincerely,
Your truth confessing Maid :)
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