I have been inspired in the blogging world by many well-respected, virtuous, and forthright bloggers to come out of the closet, so to speak. No, I am not about to divulge a sexual deviance or to shock the Christian community with other unspeakable acts. I am, however, following in the blogsteps of others and posting this confession:
I stay up really late and I love infomercials.
Pfewww, I said it. As I am wiping the sweat from my brow, let me explain myself.
I probably don't have insomnia in the true sense of the word..."can't sleep," rather I have the genes of a night person and "won't sleep" until I have taken my beautiful mind for a walk. Sometimes, it seems, I can't take this little mental trip around the block until my kids are officially in bed, and I can flip through any channel I want. (We all know how careful we have to be these days not to stumble on inappropriate viewing material...even the commercials of the day have sparked interesting discussions in my house. "Mom, what is erectile dysfunction?" Yep. You read it correctly...apparently this is the "hot" new medical ad that drug manufacturers hope is sending each and every man running to the nearest doctor demanding a little dose of "Badabing!") Of course, when I, a thirtysomething Christian woman, am met by such a question from a child who was paying really close attention to such a commercial, I am speechless. (Yes, it was as scripture puts it a "momentary, light affliction"...me speechless? FAHGEDDABOUDIT!)
Anyway, I did dodge the question long enough to come up with my answer, which was not the least bit scientific or deep. It is "A grown up disease that you don't have to worry about!" Wow. Good one, Becky. They will come to you for all the answers now. (Dripping with sarcasm, in case you missed it.)
Back to the infomercials...don't you just love these? In case you are never up past midnight, and you are not a Direct TV subscriber, allow me to introduce you to my world. About 290 of the 350 channels that I receive turn in to the proverbial pumpkin at midnight and stop regular programming in lieu of making bank. Some big shot somewhere decided that only HSN and QVC watchers were up this late, so let's bring the shopping to each of their channels! Score!
I am bewildered by how I get sucked in to this because I have been able to tell at-risk kids selling candy bars at my door to pack sand, but I can't resist Shawn T and his Hip Hop Abs and Rockin' Body discs, The Almighty Cleanse, The Abdominator, Bare Minerals, Victoria's Secret, Proactive, and don't forget the Time Life 1970's Rock and Roll Collection. I watch them OVER and OVER again. You know, it is not a new episode...it is the same infomercial, but I am intrigued.
I know you are wondering this, so let me tell you what I have purchased:
Richard Simmons...Sweatin' to the Oldies. (Yep, that really worked.)
Richard Simmons...Deal A Meal. (Sadly, I overdealt.)
Slim in 6...(Okay, confession...my hubby ordered that one, and it worked until I pulled a Psoas muscle.)
Shape Secrets...(Big pole, VHS tapes, and a 12 calorie a day diet plan...the secret: still unhappy with shape.)
Time Life Legends of Rock (1970's collection.) Hey, this was a great investment, wild thing.
The Ab dolly...(Are you seeing a pattern here?)
There are probably more, but I forget.
So, I am definitely inspired by the weight loss gimmicks. I love the before and afters, the testimony (and tears) of those actors they paid to lie about their products, and all of the "hope" that arrives in the little brown package 8 weeks after you ordered it, forgot about it, and lost your motivation.
I have seen results with Richard Simmons and Slim in 6, but what the informercials don't tell you is that when you stop using their products...well, you know. I am now an even bigger AFTER. (In fact, I have often looked at some of the BEFORE pictures on these infomercials and wished I could look that good. LOL! Sadly, that is true!) We really enjoy our Legends of Rock CD's. Great road trip music! Well, as for the Ab dollies? My kids really like to use them as bobsleds and/or go carts and race each other across the driveway. So, I suppose it was a good investment.
Now, here are some things that I have never bought:
Ron Popeil products....spray on hair, spit roaster, veggimatic or whatever it is called, food dehydrator (leave the food in the minivan overnight and you have your dehydrated food for free!)...and more.
Space bags...I'm intrigued by them, but I don't know what I would do with all of the extra space.
Hip Hop Abs...I really wanna, but I think I might blow out a cervical disc.
Infomercial Make Up...I have commitment issues with makeup. Just ask Jafra, Mary Kay, Estee Lauder, Lancome, Arbonne, and Loreal.
Proactive...I have been blessed with fairly zit-free skin, never tried it.
The Almighty Cleanse...As much as I would like to get rid of my parasites, (and I am not referring to the 7 children we are raising) I am afraid.
**** Now, are you asking yourself WHY? Because I have asked myself the same thing.
I think I have uncovered the answer...They are good at what they do. Get this, Free shipping and handling...they also waive one of the easy monthly payments...oh, and when you call within the next 12 minutes, you get more stuff FREE! Ooooooo....Aaaahhhh....They said the "F" word, "free." (And don't forget the 30 day money back guarantee.) Pushover? No, not me.
I think there is only one more thing to share with you all on this topic, and that is the stuff I will NEVER buy. The stuff that I don't even get the reasoning behind the products. Here goes:
Clip on Hair...Yes, ma'am. There is a group out there selling clip on hair. In case you wake up one morning and think to yourself, I really need to get some more hair, well...it is magical. I would have never guessed that their model was near hairless until she started de-clipping the hair one weasel tail at a time. (Ick.)
The Jack Lalanne Juicer...Nope. I won't go for this on either. I don't even like to eat a carrot smothered in dressing, let alone slurp it through a straw. And a tomato, pear, carrot, spinach, strawberry, blueberry, pineapple, and zucchini smoothie? I just through up a little in my mouth.
Face Lift Tape...Oh, yeah baby. There is a freak out there peddling tiny little strips of surgical strength tape that, when precariously and purposefully placed in certain places, lifts your forehead and your jowls. Dude, just pass the duct tape. I'll cover it up with some clip on hair.
The Oreck Air Cleaner...I'm afraid it would take more than one. I live with lots of children and a husband who proudly emits a number of scents...the air cleaner would give up. Besides, if the odors around my house were cleaned up, I might find that I need a shower myself, and I don't have time.
My confessions are now complete. I watch, covet, and sometimes buy the wares peddled on midnight tv. In case you are tempted to think less of me, I just ordered the tape series on anxiety and accepting myself so that I will be prepared. I have to go, I have a date with Shawn T....we are going to "tone, tuck, and tighten" as we explore my core.
Click.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Polka dots and Plastic
Church started at 6pm, and we were on our way. It was 5:40, and knowing it would be crowded, I had tried like heck to leave the house at 5:15. Did I mention it was the "Resurrection Sunday Eve" service? We weren't going to make it on Sunday to church, too much preparation for the company that was coming over for lunch, and we wanted to sleep in, so we opted for Saturday night. After all, it was the same special message, and we would be able to dress a little more casually. There is this unspoken pressure to dress elegantly and "Spring-like" on Easter Sunday, and we couldn't afford the time or money to shop for one-time wear this year. It isn't just the dresses for the girls either, it is the outfit, the shoes, the pantyhose, etc. And for the boys...well it means at least Khaki's and a nice polo shirt...and since my boys would rather eat broccoli and boogers than dress up, Saturday night service was the best option.
Where was I? Oh, yeah. We were late out the door because I had to do hair for 4 little girls and at least one boy, and make sure the infant wasn't wearing a winter sweatsuit. Now, I am not the great hairdini...so I simply put a sweet ponytail in the two younger girls hair, and a matching bow. A little gel and a comb...and the middle boy was good to go. The baby, well no hairdo necessary. We were off.
Did I mention that we were on a tight budget? No money for new dresses? Well, as God would have it, He provided some treasures from their closet as He sometimes does. My oldest found something suitable (Never wore it before, wasn't perfect...but okay), my second oldest daughter found a hand-me-down dress that suited her perfectly. It was casual enough to wear with flats and we happened to have some that were a perfect match. (She was lookin' good.) Then my third daughter scored a great find from the dress closet...a beautiful, pink and white polka dot chiffon summer dress, one that still had the tags on it from a shopping trip in 2006. We bought it at Nordstrom's in the San Francisco area when we were going to a wedding...it wasn't a perfect fit yet, so we bought it anyway and held onto it for later. Boy...was it cute...a 1950's style polka dot dress with a little flare to it and heck...it was the only thing in our house that had been purchased at Nordstrom's...so it had to be special, right? That leaves the baby girl, our sweet four year old who fit perfectly in a spring dress that had only been worn once before...and no one had ever seen it...so we were set! No money spent! Woohoo!
Now, I am not the kind of mom to perfectly primp each child before church. I might say "Umm, no...not that outfit" but other than that...they are free to dress themselves appropriately and do their own hair. I don't usually fuss over those details, mainly because I don't have the time or the energy between loads of laundry (finding clean underwear on a Sunday is usually mission enough), breastfeeding, and trying to remember to brush my teeth. (Tip...minty fresh gum in purse as backup!) I know that some moms would be appalled as they feel that how neatly dressed and groomed their kids are is a reflection of their parenting, and they must put on a good show. I say, WYSIWYG*. *What you see is what you get. We aren't perfect, we aren't always happy, we aren't always even presentable...but if we are together and we are at church, we are two steps ahead, right? I mean, how many times have you survived the argument on the way to church, stepped out of the car to realize you forgot your Bibles, barely got your makeup on during the car-ride, and had to resort to Sunglasses as a hair clip? As a comedian once put it, by the time we get to church (9 people) we don't need a sermon, we need a medal!
With that explanation, let me say that after finding my FREE Easter clothes for the girls, and the somewhat cute pony tails and everyone showered and teeth brushed...oh, and we ALL had our Bibles, I was feeling pretty good about myself. I was thinking, "Check me out. And I didn't spend a dime. You?" I was also thinking, I hope the grandparents are here to see how cute we are. (I even managed to wear a bright spring aqua blue shirt over my usual black spring wardrobe...see previous post...and matching blue shoes!) Again...I was puffing up. God, however, in His infinite wisdom in the book of Psalms says, "Don't brag on yourselves, let others do it for you." Hey...I was still safe, I never said a word to anyone. But that wasn't it. He knows the condition of our hearts. As a man (or woman) purposes in his(her) heart, so he(she) is. So I was. I was proud. It probably was written on my face. Is that so wrong? Probably not, but again...God knows how to deal with all of our issues, right? Don't answer that. Let me just illustrate it for you.
It was a great service. We enjoyed the fellowship of friends and before you knew it we were picking up the kids. Again, I beamed with pride as I picked up my girls. "Tell your teacher thank you and Happy Easter!" The girls: "Thank you." (Welling up with more pride, I couldn't help it. "Aren't they sweet?," I thought.) Awwww. We wrangled all seven kids back into the car and were on our way home. "That was all worth it," I thought. "All of the trouble of dressing them up AND doing their hair."
Lest you think I missed the lightening bolt of conviction, read on. We made a quick stop on the way home. My husband ran into the store as I waited with the kids in the car. I looked over at my third daughter (Nordstrom dress) tipped over and sleeping in the drivers seat, and there it was. Staring me right in the face like a V8 slap....just under the pink polka dot chiffon...laying neatly on the satin underneath...ta da!
Where was I? Oh, yeah. We were late out the door because I had to do hair for 4 little girls and at least one boy, and make sure the infant wasn't wearing a winter sweatsuit. Now, I am not the great hairdini...so I simply put a sweet ponytail in the two younger girls hair, and a matching bow. A little gel and a comb...and the middle boy was good to go. The baby, well no hairdo necessary. We were off.
Did I mention that we were on a tight budget? No money for new dresses? Well, as God would have it, He provided some treasures from their closet as He sometimes does. My oldest found something suitable (Never wore it before, wasn't perfect...but okay), my second oldest daughter found a hand-me-down dress that suited her perfectly. It was casual enough to wear with flats and we happened to have some that were a perfect match. (She was lookin' good.) Then my third daughter scored a great find from the dress closet...a beautiful, pink and white polka dot chiffon summer dress, one that still had the tags on it from a shopping trip in 2006. We bought it at Nordstrom's in the San Francisco area when we were going to a wedding...it wasn't a perfect fit yet, so we bought it anyway and held onto it for later. Boy...was it cute...a 1950's style polka dot dress with a little flare to it and heck...it was the only thing in our house that had been purchased at Nordstrom's...so it had to be special, right? That leaves the baby girl, our sweet four year old who fit perfectly in a spring dress that had only been worn once before...and no one had ever seen it...so we were set! No money spent! Woohoo!
Now, I am not the kind of mom to perfectly primp each child before church. I might say "Umm, no...not that outfit" but other than that...they are free to dress themselves appropriately and do their own hair. I don't usually fuss over those details, mainly because I don't have the time or the energy between loads of laundry (finding clean underwear on a Sunday is usually mission enough), breastfeeding, and trying to remember to brush my teeth. (Tip...minty fresh gum in purse as backup!) I know that some moms would be appalled as they feel that how neatly dressed and groomed their kids are is a reflection of their parenting, and they must put on a good show. I say, WYSIWYG*. *What you see is what you get. We aren't perfect, we aren't always happy, we aren't always even presentable...but if we are together and we are at church, we are two steps ahead, right? I mean, how many times have you survived the argument on the way to church, stepped out of the car to realize you forgot your Bibles, barely got your makeup on during the car-ride, and had to resort to Sunglasses as a hair clip? As a comedian once put it, by the time we get to church (9 people) we don't need a sermon, we need a medal!
With that explanation, let me say that after finding my FREE Easter clothes for the girls, and the somewhat cute pony tails and everyone showered and teeth brushed...oh, and we ALL had our Bibles, I was feeling pretty good about myself. I was thinking, "Check me out. And I didn't spend a dime. You?" I was also thinking, I hope the grandparents are here to see how cute we are. (I even managed to wear a bright spring aqua blue shirt over my usual black spring wardrobe...see previous post...and matching blue shoes!) Again...I was puffing up. God, however, in His infinite wisdom in the book of Psalms says, "Don't brag on yourselves, let others do it for you." Hey...I was still safe, I never said a word to anyone. But that wasn't it. He knows the condition of our hearts. As a man (or woman) purposes in his(her) heart, so he(she) is. So I was. I was proud. It probably was written on my face. Is that so wrong? Probably not, but again...God knows how to deal with all of our issues, right? Don't answer that. Let me just illustrate it for you.
It was a great service. We enjoyed the fellowship of friends and before you knew it we were picking up the kids. Again, I beamed with pride as I picked up my girls. "Tell your teacher thank you and Happy Easter!" The girls: "Thank you." (Welling up with more pride, I couldn't help it. "Aren't they sweet?," I thought.) Awwww. We wrangled all seven kids back into the car and were on our way home. "That was all worth it," I thought. "All of the trouble of dressing them up AND doing their hair."
Lest you think I missed the lightening bolt of conviction, read on. We made a quick stop on the way home. My husband ran into the store as I waited with the kids in the car. I looked over at my third daughter (Nordstrom dress) tipped over and sleeping in the drivers seat, and there it was. Staring me right in the face like a V8 slap....just under the pink polka dot chiffon...laying neatly on the satin underneath...ta da!
A four inch security tag! You know, the kind that only the store can take off? Suddenly I remembered why that dress had hung for 2 years unwarn...we had never taken it back to Nordstrom to have it removed...I mean would they accept a San Francisco receipt from months back...or would they think...Shoplifter? Can you see it, I parade 7 kids through the Biltmore Shopping Center (Not on your life!), not to buy anything, but to have a precariously placed and suspiciously unremoved HUGE plastic tag removed! Yeah, right. But wait, I had one last hope...so I asked my daughter, "Honey, did anyone see that tag on your dress?" (Hoping for the correct answer.) My daughter, "Uh huh, I showed it to ALL of my friends!"
Conviction. (Do nothing out of selfish ambition or empty conceit!)
Embarrassment. (Now the WHOLE church thinks we have resorted to shoplifting!)
Humiliation. (Yep, 7 kids, must be hard times.)
Lord, I get it. "Let him who boasts, boast about this: that he understands and knows me, that I am the LORD, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight," Jeremiah 9:23-25
I am boasting in this: In God's kindness, justice and righteousness, He did not allow us to parade our accidental hardware around campus on an actual Easter Sunday! Thank you God!
We are currently accepting donations to supplement our state funded health care and food stamps. (The beauty of all of this is that you think I'm kidding.) Wink.
Conviction. (Do nothing out of selfish ambition or empty conceit!)
Embarrassment. (Now the WHOLE church thinks we have resorted to shoplifting!)
Humiliation. (Yep, 7 kids, must be hard times.)
Lord, I get it. "Let him who boasts, boast about this: that he understands and knows me, that I am the LORD, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight," Jeremiah 9:23-25
I am boasting in this: In God's kindness, justice and righteousness, He did not allow us to parade our accidental hardware around campus on an actual Easter Sunday! Thank you God!
We are currently accepting donations to supplement our state funded health care and food stamps. (The beauty of all of this is that you think I'm kidding.) Wink.
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