I have been inspired in the blogging world by many well-respected, virtuous, and forthright bloggers to come out of the closet, so to speak. No, I am not about to divulge a sexual deviance or to shock the Christian community with other unspeakable acts. I am, however, following in the blogsteps of others and posting this confession:
I stay up really late and I love infomercials.
Pfewww, I said it. As I am wiping the sweat from my brow, let me explain myself.
I probably don't have insomnia in the true sense of the word..."can't sleep," rather I have the genes of a night person and "won't sleep" until I have taken my beautiful mind for a walk. Sometimes, it seems, I can't take this little mental trip around the block until my kids are officially in bed, and I can flip through any channel I want. (We all know how careful we have to be these days not to stumble on inappropriate viewing material...even the commercials of the day have sparked interesting discussions in my house. "Mom, what is erectile dysfunction?" Yep. You read it correctly...apparently this is the "hot" new medical ad that drug manufacturers hope is sending each and every man running to the nearest doctor demanding a little dose of "Badabing!") Of course, when I, a thirtysomething Christian woman, am met by such a question from a child who was paying really close attention to such a commercial, I am speechless. (Yes, it was as scripture puts it a "momentary, light affliction"...me speechless? FAHGEDDABOUDIT!)
Anyway, I did dodge the question long enough to come up with my answer, which was not the least bit scientific or deep. It is "A grown up disease that you don't have to worry about!" Wow. Good one, Becky. They will come to you for all the answers now. (Dripping with sarcasm, in case you missed it.)
Back to the infomercials...don't you just love these? In case you are never up past midnight, and you are not a Direct TV subscriber, allow me to introduce you to my world. About 290 of the 350 channels that I receive turn in to the proverbial pumpkin at midnight and stop regular programming in lieu of making bank. Some big shot somewhere decided that only HSN and QVC watchers were up this late, so let's bring the shopping to each of their channels! Score!
I am bewildered by how I get sucked in to this because I have been able to tell at-risk kids selling candy bars at my door to pack sand, but I can't resist Shawn T and his Hip Hop Abs and Rockin' Body discs, The Almighty Cleanse, The Abdominator, Bare Minerals, Victoria's Secret, Proactive, and don't forget the Time Life 1970's Rock and Roll Collection. I watch them OVER and OVER again. You know, it is not a new episode...it is the same infomercial, but I am intrigued.
I know you are wondering this, so let me tell you what I have purchased:
Richard Simmons...Sweatin' to the Oldies. (Yep, that really worked.)
Richard Simmons...Deal A Meal. (Sadly, I overdealt.)
Slim in 6...(Okay, confession...my hubby ordered that one, and it worked until I pulled a Psoas muscle.)
Shape Secrets...(Big pole, VHS tapes, and a 12 calorie a day diet plan...the secret: still unhappy with shape.)
Time Life Legends of Rock (1970's collection.) Hey, this was a great investment, wild thing.
The Ab dolly...(Are you seeing a pattern here?)
There are probably more, but I forget.
So, I am definitely inspired by the weight loss gimmicks. I love the before and afters, the testimony (and tears) of those actors they paid to lie about their products, and all of the "hope" that arrives in the little brown package 8 weeks after you ordered it, forgot about it, and lost your motivation.
I have seen results with Richard Simmons and Slim in 6, but what the informercials don't tell you is that when you stop using their products...well, you know. I am now an even bigger AFTER. (In fact, I have often looked at some of the BEFORE pictures on these infomercials and wished I could look that good. LOL! Sadly, that is true!) We really enjoy our Legends of Rock CD's. Great road trip music! Well, as for the Ab dollies? My kids really like to use them as bobsleds and/or go carts and race each other across the driveway. So, I suppose it was a good investment.
Now, here are some things that I have never bought:
Ron Popeil products....spray on hair, spit roaster, veggimatic or whatever it is called, food dehydrator (leave the food in the minivan overnight and you have your dehydrated food for free!)...and more.
Space bags...I'm intrigued by them, but I don't know what I would do with all of the extra space.
Hip Hop Abs...I really wanna, but I think I might blow out a cervical disc.
Infomercial Make Up...I have commitment issues with makeup. Just ask Jafra, Mary Kay, Estee Lauder, Lancome, Arbonne, and Loreal.
Proactive...I have been blessed with fairly zit-free skin, never tried it.
The Almighty Cleanse...As much as I would like to get rid of my parasites, (and I am not referring to the 7 children we are raising) I am afraid.
**** Now, are you asking yourself WHY? Because I have asked myself the same thing.
I think I have uncovered the answer...They are good at what they do. Get this, Free shipping and handling...they also waive one of the easy monthly payments...oh, and when you call within the next 12 minutes, you get more stuff FREE! Ooooooo....Aaaahhhh....They said the "F" word, "free." (And don't forget the 30 day money back guarantee.) Pushover? No, not me.
I think there is only one more thing to share with you all on this topic, and that is the stuff I will NEVER buy. The stuff that I don't even get the reasoning behind the products. Here goes:
Clip on Hair...Yes, ma'am. There is a group out there selling clip on hair. In case you wake up one morning and think to yourself, I really need to get some more hair, well...it is magical. I would have never guessed that their model was near hairless until she started de-clipping the hair one weasel tail at a time. (Ick.)
The Jack Lalanne Juicer...Nope. I won't go for this on either. I don't even like to eat a carrot smothered in dressing, let alone slurp it through a straw. And a tomato, pear, carrot, spinach, strawberry, blueberry, pineapple, and zucchini smoothie? I just through up a little in my mouth.
Face Lift Tape...Oh, yeah baby. There is a freak out there peddling tiny little strips of surgical strength tape that, when precariously and purposefully placed in certain places, lifts your forehead and your jowls. Dude, just pass the duct tape. I'll cover it up with some clip on hair.
The Oreck Air Cleaner...I'm afraid it would take more than one. I live with lots of children and a husband who proudly emits a number of scents...the air cleaner would give up. Besides, if the odors around my house were cleaned up, I might find that I need a shower myself, and I don't have time.
My confessions are now complete. I watch, covet, and sometimes buy the wares peddled on midnight tv. In case you are tempted to think less of me, I just ordered the tape series on anxiety and accepting myself so that I will be prepared. I have to go, I have a date with Shawn T....we are going to "tone, tuck, and tighten" as we explore my core.
Click.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Polka dots and Plastic
Church started at 6pm, and we were on our way. It was 5:40, and knowing it would be crowded, I had tried like heck to leave the house at 5:15. Did I mention it was the "Resurrection Sunday Eve" service? We weren't going to make it on Sunday to church, too much preparation for the company that was coming over for lunch, and we wanted to sleep in, so we opted for Saturday night. After all, it was the same special message, and we would be able to dress a little more casually. There is this unspoken pressure to dress elegantly and "Spring-like" on Easter Sunday, and we couldn't afford the time or money to shop for one-time wear this year. It isn't just the dresses for the girls either, it is the outfit, the shoes, the pantyhose, etc. And for the boys...well it means at least Khaki's and a nice polo shirt...and since my boys would rather eat broccoli and boogers than dress up, Saturday night service was the best option.
Where was I? Oh, yeah. We were late out the door because I had to do hair for 4 little girls and at least one boy, and make sure the infant wasn't wearing a winter sweatsuit. Now, I am not the great hairdini...so I simply put a sweet ponytail in the two younger girls hair, and a matching bow. A little gel and a comb...and the middle boy was good to go. The baby, well no hairdo necessary. We were off.
Did I mention that we were on a tight budget? No money for new dresses? Well, as God would have it, He provided some treasures from their closet as He sometimes does. My oldest found something suitable (Never wore it before, wasn't perfect...but okay), my second oldest daughter found a hand-me-down dress that suited her perfectly. It was casual enough to wear with flats and we happened to have some that were a perfect match. (She was lookin' good.) Then my third daughter scored a great find from the dress closet...a beautiful, pink and white polka dot chiffon summer dress, one that still had the tags on it from a shopping trip in 2006. We bought it at Nordstrom's in the San Francisco area when we were going to a wedding...it wasn't a perfect fit yet, so we bought it anyway and held onto it for later. Boy...was it cute...a 1950's style polka dot dress with a little flare to it and heck...it was the only thing in our house that had been purchased at Nordstrom's...so it had to be special, right? That leaves the baby girl, our sweet four year old who fit perfectly in a spring dress that had only been worn once before...and no one had ever seen it...so we were set! No money spent! Woohoo!
Now, I am not the kind of mom to perfectly primp each child before church. I might say "Umm, no...not that outfit" but other than that...they are free to dress themselves appropriately and do their own hair. I don't usually fuss over those details, mainly because I don't have the time or the energy between loads of laundry (finding clean underwear on a Sunday is usually mission enough), breastfeeding, and trying to remember to brush my teeth. (Tip...minty fresh gum in purse as backup!) I know that some moms would be appalled as they feel that how neatly dressed and groomed their kids are is a reflection of their parenting, and they must put on a good show. I say, WYSIWYG*. *What you see is what you get. We aren't perfect, we aren't always happy, we aren't always even presentable...but if we are together and we are at church, we are two steps ahead, right? I mean, how many times have you survived the argument on the way to church, stepped out of the car to realize you forgot your Bibles, barely got your makeup on during the car-ride, and had to resort to Sunglasses as a hair clip? As a comedian once put it, by the time we get to church (9 people) we don't need a sermon, we need a medal!
With that explanation, let me say that after finding my FREE Easter clothes for the girls, and the somewhat cute pony tails and everyone showered and teeth brushed...oh, and we ALL had our Bibles, I was feeling pretty good about myself. I was thinking, "Check me out. And I didn't spend a dime. You?" I was also thinking, I hope the grandparents are here to see how cute we are. (I even managed to wear a bright spring aqua blue shirt over my usual black spring wardrobe...see previous post...and matching blue shoes!) Again...I was puffing up. God, however, in His infinite wisdom in the book of Psalms says, "Don't brag on yourselves, let others do it for you." Hey...I was still safe, I never said a word to anyone. But that wasn't it. He knows the condition of our hearts. As a man (or woman) purposes in his(her) heart, so he(she) is. So I was. I was proud. It probably was written on my face. Is that so wrong? Probably not, but again...God knows how to deal with all of our issues, right? Don't answer that. Let me just illustrate it for you.
It was a great service. We enjoyed the fellowship of friends and before you knew it we were picking up the kids. Again, I beamed with pride as I picked up my girls. "Tell your teacher thank you and Happy Easter!" The girls: "Thank you." (Welling up with more pride, I couldn't help it. "Aren't they sweet?," I thought.) Awwww. We wrangled all seven kids back into the car and were on our way home. "That was all worth it," I thought. "All of the trouble of dressing them up AND doing their hair."
Lest you think I missed the lightening bolt of conviction, read on. We made a quick stop on the way home. My husband ran into the store as I waited with the kids in the car. I looked over at my third daughter (Nordstrom dress) tipped over and sleeping in the drivers seat, and there it was. Staring me right in the face like a V8 slap....just under the pink polka dot chiffon...laying neatly on the satin underneath...ta da!
Where was I? Oh, yeah. We were late out the door because I had to do hair for 4 little girls and at least one boy, and make sure the infant wasn't wearing a winter sweatsuit. Now, I am not the great hairdini...so I simply put a sweet ponytail in the two younger girls hair, and a matching bow. A little gel and a comb...and the middle boy was good to go. The baby, well no hairdo necessary. We were off.
Did I mention that we were on a tight budget? No money for new dresses? Well, as God would have it, He provided some treasures from their closet as He sometimes does. My oldest found something suitable (Never wore it before, wasn't perfect...but okay), my second oldest daughter found a hand-me-down dress that suited her perfectly. It was casual enough to wear with flats and we happened to have some that were a perfect match. (She was lookin' good.) Then my third daughter scored a great find from the dress closet...a beautiful, pink and white polka dot chiffon summer dress, one that still had the tags on it from a shopping trip in 2006. We bought it at Nordstrom's in the San Francisco area when we were going to a wedding...it wasn't a perfect fit yet, so we bought it anyway and held onto it for later. Boy...was it cute...a 1950's style polka dot dress with a little flare to it and heck...it was the only thing in our house that had been purchased at Nordstrom's...so it had to be special, right? That leaves the baby girl, our sweet four year old who fit perfectly in a spring dress that had only been worn once before...and no one had ever seen it...so we were set! No money spent! Woohoo!
Now, I am not the kind of mom to perfectly primp each child before church. I might say "Umm, no...not that outfit" but other than that...they are free to dress themselves appropriately and do their own hair. I don't usually fuss over those details, mainly because I don't have the time or the energy between loads of laundry (finding clean underwear on a Sunday is usually mission enough), breastfeeding, and trying to remember to brush my teeth. (Tip...minty fresh gum in purse as backup!) I know that some moms would be appalled as they feel that how neatly dressed and groomed their kids are is a reflection of their parenting, and they must put on a good show. I say, WYSIWYG*. *What you see is what you get. We aren't perfect, we aren't always happy, we aren't always even presentable...but if we are together and we are at church, we are two steps ahead, right? I mean, how many times have you survived the argument on the way to church, stepped out of the car to realize you forgot your Bibles, barely got your makeup on during the car-ride, and had to resort to Sunglasses as a hair clip? As a comedian once put it, by the time we get to church (9 people) we don't need a sermon, we need a medal!
With that explanation, let me say that after finding my FREE Easter clothes for the girls, and the somewhat cute pony tails and everyone showered and teeth brushed...oh, and we ALL had our Bibles, I was feeling pretty good about myself. I was thinking, "Check me out. And I didn't spend a dime. You?" I was also thinking, I hope the grandparents are here to see how cute we are. (I even managed to wear a bright spring aqua blue shirt over my usual black spring wardrobe...see previous post...and matching blue shoes!) Again...I was puffing up. God, however, in His infinite wisdom in the book of Psalms says, "Don't brag on yourselves, let others do it for you." Hey...I was still safe, I never said a word to anyone. But that wasn't it. He knows the condition of our hearts. As a man (or woman) purposes in his(her) heart, so he(she) is. So I was. I was proud. It probably was written on my face. Is that so wrong? Probably not, but again...God knows how to deal with all of our issues, right? Don't answer that. Let me just illustrate it for you.
It was a great service. We enjoyed the fellowship of friends and before you knew it we were picking up the kids. Again, I beamed with pride as I picked up my girls. "Tell your teacher thank you and Happy Easter!" The girls: "Thank you." (Welling up with more pride, I couldn't help it. "Aren't they sweet?," I thought.) Awwww. We wrangled all seven kids back into the car and were on our way home. "That was all worth it," I thought. "All of the trouble of dressing them up AND doing their hair."
Lest you think I missed the lightening bolt of conviction, read on. We made a quick stop on the way home. My husband ran into the store as I waited with the kids in the car. I looked over at my third daughter (Nordstrom dress) tipped over and sleeping in the drivers seat, and there it was. Staring me right in the face like a V8 slap....just under the pink polka dot chiffon...laying neatly on the satin underneath...ta da!
A four inch security tag! You know, the kind that only the store can take off? Suddenly I remembered why that dress had hung for 2 years unwarn...we had never taken it back to Nordstrom to have it removed...I mean would they accept a San Francisco receipt from months back...or would they think...Shoplifter? Can you see it, I parade 7 kids through the Biltmore Shopping Center (Not on your life!), not to buy anything, but to have a precariously placed and suspiciously unremoved HUGE plastic tag removed! Yeah, right. But wait, I had one last hope...so I asked my daughter, "Honey, did anyone see that tag on your dress?" (Hoping for the correct answer.) My daughter, "Uh huh, I showed it to ALL of my friends!"
Conviction. (Do nothing out of selfish ambition or empty conceit!)
Embarrassment. (Now the WHOLE church thinks we have resorted to shoplifting!)
Humiliation. (Yep, 7 kids, must be hard times.)
Lord, I get it. "Let him who boasts, boast about this: that he understands and knows me, that I am the LORD, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight," Jeremiah 9:23-25
I am boasting in this: In God's kindness, justice and righteousness, He did not allow us to parade our accidental hardware around campus on an actual Easter Sunday! Thank you God!
We are currently accepting donations to supplement our state funded health care and food stamps. (The beauty of all of this is that you think I'm kidding.) Wink.
Conviction. (Do nothing out of selfish ambition or empty conceit!)
Embarrassment. (Now the WHOLE church thinks we have resorted to shoplifting!)
Humiliation. (Yep, 7 kids, must be hard times.)
Lord, I get it. "Let him who boasts, boast about this: that he understands and knows me, that I am the LORD, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight," Jeremiah 9:23-25
I am boasting in this: In God's kindness, justice and righteousness, He did not allow us to parade our accidental hardware around campus on an actual Easter Sunday! Thank you God!
We are currently accepting donations to supplement our state funded health care and food stamps. (The beauty of all of this is that you think I'm kidding.) Wink.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Happy Eas..I mean Resurrection Sunday!
Spring is in the air. I mean, we have a slight breeze and it hasn't hit 90 yet. April rain really only happens in February here, and of course, as we all know that is winter...so I think we can safely say it is spring. Anxiety usually sets in for me now...the countdown to suffer, I mean summer begins even on the news. It is ridiculous really, I mean they have counted the number of days and different degrees for hundreds of years. Why do we have to know that we are cooler than we were 7 years ago, but hotter than we were in 1898? That was before the Titanic sunk, for crying out loud. That is way before blogs and oh yeah, I DON'T CARE!
So like I said, panic begins. I start thinking of all of the must-dos for spring. Some more urgent and apparent than others. I need to spring clean...we all know what that means...move the couch to vacuum and actually wipe the peanut butter off of the walls with a wet rag instead of my shirt. I need to shop for the kids for a summer wardrobe. What goes good with hot? Ummm...can we just buy 7 bathing suits and rubber flip flops? Isn't that appropriate attire in this state? Oh, and spring is "last call" for garage sales too. As horrible as they are to have, (I mean who doesn't have a great yard sale story) I am motivated by money and cheap people inspire me...so I have them. (Okay, one quick funny story...at one yard sale a person who barely spoke English asked my stepdad how much for the dress shirts...he said "A dollar a piece or four for five." He just wasn't thinking straight...but apparently neither was the customer...he bought four. LOL)
Another reason I need Xanax for spring, white. YES...white. I don't do white. I don't like pastel. I cannot stand to dress in light colors...there is no camouflaging with pastels. Since I have not stuck to my new years resolutions, there will be no pastel for me. (Face it, me in white pants would be like hoisting a sail on a sailboat...people would duck out of the way and marvel at all of the white fabric.) So my spring dilemma, try to eke out a wardrobe of black, navy and brown from the spring department store selections...can't do it. So how do I fake it? Black and white polka dots thrown in somewhere and maybe some fresh white shoes...that is the extent of my spring wardrobe. :(
So that brings us to what is usually my favorite part of spring, Easter. I typically love the girly dresses, the boys dressed in something fresh, and maybe even baskets, chocolate, and a few eggs. Heck, we have even done the resurrection eggs before...so we are not total heathens. I have always called it Easter, I have always celebrated the little nuances that are Easter traditions, bunnies who hide eggs and chicks, peeps...marshmallow heaven...and coloring eggs. But what I have never done is gone to the mall to worship the bunny on Easter Sunday. No, we go to church. We marvel at what was done on the cross. We sing of the glory of the stone being rolled away and how "Up from the grave he arose..." and more. My kids and I all know what the resurrection of Jesus means for us (as much as we can humanly know, I suppose) and we all know the verse..."He is not here, for He has risen, just as he said!" Hallelujah and Amen!
Here is my dilemma...I have been under the tutelage of my pastor for some time (18 years!) and have heard the origins of Easter and the pagan foundations...I understand what the enemy has done to redirect our focus from Christ with chicks and bunnies and such, I know about Ishtar and the whole fertility-egg connection, but I have not been convicted to redirect our family's holiday to not include any of those things. I mean, many valley churches do egg hunts, reach out to their neighbors, and don't hesitate to call it Easter. We are encouraged to call it "Resurrection Sunday" thus debunking the plan of the enemy and going from paganism to purity. I have a hard time with that...but I respect our pastor and his opinions and so I agree to expose my family to his teaching on this and we go to church knowing full well that we won't share eggs or bunnies or chicks or do egg hunts. It sometimes motivates me to hear how well my children learn and love Jesus from the very things they celebrate at my church. I mean when your 3 and a half year old recites this scripture "We wait for the blessed hope—the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ" well...you can't argue with that. I didn't even know that verse, but because of her, now I do.
I sit here, puzzled, frustrated, and not sure how to feel...because some sweet soul from that same wonderful church vandalized my child's artwork. Yes, vandalized it. My sweet daughter wrote an Easter card for her little 7 year old friend. It was average, like most child-like art, but beautiful because it was thoughtful. Reading boldly across the top was "Happy Easter, to my Friend Gracie." Written even larger next to that in RED sharpie marker was RESURRECTION SUNDAY...as if to correct her art, to change her words. I was miffed. I felt a little violated FOR her. I mean, this is not school and it is not subject to "grading." How dare they write that in big, ugly, adult handwriting all over her precious, thoughtful EASTER art? Is that the legalism that we have come to? So every time my child says Easter in class, do they smugly say to her, "We call it resurrection Sunday, honey?" My kids get corrected on enough things, and this instance, to me, was like telling a child in Sunday school that there is no such thing as Santa Claus (That should be the parents choice to give that talk, right?). Can't we just let kids be kids and save the correcting and the legalism for adulthood?
Childhood wonder, egg hunts in beautiful spring breezes, tales of chocolate leaving bunnies, bountiful baskets and baby chicks will soon enough be replaced by spring cleaning, spring shopping, garage sales, and being too fat for white. So anyway, Happy Easter! I think I will go medicate with food, pass me a peep.
So like I said, panic begins. I start thinking of all of the must-dos for spring. Some more urgent and apparent than others. I need to spring clean...we all know what that means...move the couch to vacuum and actually wipe the peanut butter off of the walls with a wet rag instead of my shirt. I need to shop for the kids for a summer wardrobe. What goes good with hot? Ummm...can we just buy 7 bathing suits and rubber flip flops? Isn't that appropriate attire in this state? Oh, and spring is "last call" for garage sales too. As horrible as they are to have, (I mean who doesn't have a great yard sale story) I am motivated by money and cheap people inspire me...so I have them. (Okay, one quick funny story...at one yard sale a person who barely spoke English asked my stepdad how much for the dress shirts...he said "A dollar a piece or four for five." He just wasn't thinking straight...but apparently neither was the customer...he bought four. LOL)
Another reason I need Xanax for spring, white. YES...white. I don't do white. I don't like pastel. I cannot stand to dress in light colors...there is no camouflaging with pastels. Since I have not stuck to my new years resolutions, there will be no pastel for me. (Face it, me in white pants would be like hoisting a sail on a sailboat...people would duck out of the way and marvel at all of the white fabric.) So my spring dilemma, try to eke out a wardrobe of black, navy and brown from the spring department store selections...can't do it. So how do I fake it? Black and white polka dots thrown in somewhere and maybe some fresh white shoes...that is the extent of my spring wardrobe. :(
So that brings us to what is usually my favorite part of spring, Easter. I typically love the girly dresses, the boys dressed in something fresh, and maybe even baskets, chocolate, and a few eggs. Heck, we have even done the resurrection eggs before...so we are not total heathens. I have always called it Easter, I have always celebrated the little nuances that are Easter traditions, bunnies who hide eggs and chicks, peeps...marshmallow heaven...and coloring eggs. But what I have never done is gone to the mall to worship the bunny on Easter Sunday. No, we go to church. We marvel at what was done on the cross. We sing of the glory of the stone being rolled away and how "Up from the grave he arose..." and more. My kids and I all know what the resurrection of Jesus means for us (as much as we can humanly know, I suppose) and we all know the verse..."He is not here, for He has risen, just as he said!" Hallelujah and Amen!
Here is my dilemma...I have been under the tutelage of my pastor for some time (18 years!) and have heard the origins of Easter and the pagan foundations...I understand what the enemy has done to redirect our focus from Christ with chicks and bunnies and such, I know about Ishtar and the whole fertility-egg connection, but I have not been convicted to redirect our family's holiday to not include any of those things. I mean, many valley churches do egg hunts, reach out to their neighbors, and don't hesitate to call it Easter. We are encouraged to call it "Resurrection Sunday" thus debunking the plan of the enemy and going from paganism to purity. I have a hard time with that...but I respect our pastor and his opinions and so I agree to expose my family to his teaching on this and we go to church knowing full well that we won't share eggs or bunnies or chicks or do egg hunts. It sometimes motivates me to hear how well my children learn and love Jesus from the very things they celebrate at my church. I mean when your 3 and a half year old recites this scripture "We wait for the blessed hope—the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ" well...you can't argue with that. I didn't even know that verse, but because of her, now I do.
I sit here, puzzled, frustrated, and not sure how to feel...because some sweet soul from that same wonderful church vandalized my child's artwork. Yes, vandalized it. My sweet daughter wrote an Easter card for her little 7 year old friend. It was average, like most child-like art, but beautiful because it was thoughtful. Reading boldly across the top was "Happy Easter, to my Friend Gracie." Written even larger next to that in RED sharpie marker was RESURRECTION SUNDAY...as if to correct her art, to change her words. I was miffed. I felt a little violated FOR her. I mean, this is not school and it is not subject to "grading." How dare they write that in big, ugly, adult handwriting all over her precious, thoughtful EASTER art? Is that the legalism that we have come to? So every time my child says Easter in class, do they smugly say to her, "We call it resurrection Sunday, honey?" My kids get corrected on enough things, and this instance, to me, was like telling a child in Sunday school that there is no such thing as Santa Claus (That should be the parents choice to give that talk, right?). Can't we just let kids be kids and save the correcting and the legalism for adulthood?
Childhood wonder, egg hunts in beautiful spring breezes, tales of chocolate leaving bunnies, bountiful baskets and baby chicks will soon enough be replaced by spring cleaning, spring shopping, garage sales, and being too fat for white. So anyway, Happy Easter! I think I will go medicate with food, pass me a peep.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Useless Brown Water
I love this stuff. Despite the warnings on the cans, phenylketonurics: contains phenylalanine (what is that?)...and the laundry list of ingredients: carbonated water, caramel color, aspartame, phosphoric acid, potassium (see it is good for you) benzoate (preserves freshness), citric acid, natural flavors. (Again...see, it is natural.) By now, you know I am talking about diet pepsi, and in my case, caffeine free diet pepsi. So most people would ask, "what is the point if you are not even getting a caffeine buzz?" To which, I affectionately answer, "I don't know."
I am, by my own admission, addicted to it. I don't have other vices. I don't smoke, I don't drink, (well, not often...I've been pregnant or nursing for 16 years, so that takes care of that) and besides a ginormous stash of toilet paper, there aren't many things that I have to have. (Yes, I said toilet paper. I have to know that at any given time I can do business without restricting myself to 3 squares. It is peace and comfort for me on a little cardboard roll. I won't get into the details, but that is one room in my house where the "cleanliness is next to Godliness" tagline prevails.) So, what is it about the useless brown water (I know you are thinking that should be coffee, but that would be useless warm brown water) that I crave? Again, I answer intelligently, "I don't know."
Is it the taste? Well, I suppose. But there is this somewhat familiar and disgusting aftertaste of sweet and sour.
Is it the carbonation? Well, yes. I love that too. But there are times that tossing back a swig of my favorite pop actually hurts.
Is it the sound? We might be on to something here. That undeniable pop-top sound. Oooh, I think I just got a chill.
Or could it be that it is just so satisfying and so thirst quenching, that it is the only thing that will do the trick? Sadly, no. It is not satisfying. The more I drink it, the more I want it. And thirst quenching? Even sadder, no. I could stop at QT (which is, by the way, the soda fountain lovers' crack house) and select a 32 ouncer over my favorite ice (a blog for a different day) and suck it down through the pretty red straw...and guess what? I might still be thirsty. And my body would surely still be dehydrated.
I think I have the answer...it must be that it is "diet" and has absolutely no calories and nutritional value so it has spared me many pounds. Um, wait...that can't be it either. In fact, the longer I have been drinking diet coke, the bigger my butt, and therefore my clothes and vehicles, get. I have even been told by a personal trainer that diet soda makes you fat. (Blasphemer!) I'll show him...I won't go back. (By the way, he is bald...I think weight-lifting makes you lose your hair.)
So, I sit here sucking back a golden can of Caffeine Free Diet Pepsi poured over crushed ice (aren't you jealous?) and am realizing that the pop-top sound has faded, it won't satisfy me, it won't quench my thirst, the aftertaste is setting in, and it will make me fatter. I find myself asking what the Apostle Paul once asked, (and I am paraphrasing here) "Why do I do that which I don't want to do, but that which I do want to do, I don't do?" And you guessed it, my answer is, "I don't know."
Wow, those millions of dollars spent on marketing really work. I have fallen prey to the coorporate advertising phenomenon. I bought it because they told me to. I drink it because they show beautiful people drinking it. And I buy it because when you buy 4, you get one free. Duh? Do YOU need another reason?
I don't. (glug, glug, glug.....aaahhhhh.)
I am, by my own admission, addicted to it. I don't have other vices. I don't smoke, I don't drink, (well, not often...I've been pregnant or nursing for 16 years, so that takes care of that) and besides a ginormous stash of toilet paper, there aren't many things that I have to have. (Yes, I said toilet paper. I have to know that at any given time I can do business without restricting myself to 3 squares. It is peace and comfort for me on a little cardboard roll. I won't get into the details, but that is one room in my house where the "cleanliness is next to Godliness" tagline prevails.) So, what is it about the useless brown water (I know you are thinking that should be coffee, but that would be useless warm brown water) that I crave? Again, I answer intelligently, "I don't know."
Is it the taste? Well, I suppose. But there is this somewhat familiar and disgusting aftertaste of sweet and sour.
Is it the carbonation? Well, yes. I love that too. But there are times that tossing back a swig of my favorite pop actually hurts.
Is it the sound? We might be on to something here. That undeniable pop-top sound. Oooh, I think I just got a chill.
Or could it be that it is just so satisfying and so thirst quenching, that it is the only thing that will do the trick? Sadly, no. It is not satisfying. The more I drink it, the more I want it. And thirst quenching? Even sadder, no. I could stop at QT (which is, by the way, the soda fountain lovers' crack house) and select a 32 ouncer over my favorite ice (a blog for a different day) and suck it down through the pretty red straw...and guess what? I might still be thirsty. And my body would surely still be dehydrated.
I think I have the answer...it must be that it is "diet" and has absolutely no calories and nutritional value so it has spared me many pounds. Um, wait...that can't be it either. In fact, the longer I have been drinking diet coke, the bigger my butt, and therefore my clothes and vehicles, get. I have even been told by a personal trainer that diet soda makes you fat. (Blasphemer!) I'll show him...I won't go back. (By the way, he is bald...I think weight-lifting makes you lose your hair.)
So, I sit here sucking back a golden can of Caffeine Free Diet Pepsi poured over crushed ice (aren't you jealous?) and am realizing that the pop-top sound has faded, it won't satisfy me, it won't quench my thirst, the aftertaste is setting in, and it will make me fatter. I find myself asking what the Apostle Paul once asked, (and I am paraphrasing here) "Why do I do that which I don't want to do, but that which I do want to do, I don't do?" And you guessed it, my answer is, "I don't know."
Wow, those millions of dollars spent on marketing really work. I have fallen prey to the coorporate advertising phenomenon. I bought it because they told me to. I drink it because they show beautiful people drinking it. And I buy it because when you buy 4, you get one free. Duh? Do YOU need another reason?
I don't. (glug, glug, glug.....aaahhhhh.)
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Disposable clothes
Okay, seeing as how I do have seven children, and only one washing machine and dryer, it is only fitting that my first blog be dedicated to the biggest issue in my home-making life. It is even bigger than the "What's for dinner?" enigma...because, as is the case in America right now, there are no drive through laundromats that throw our family's clean underwear out a small window in a paper bag with a toy. (We know this would never work because no cashier would sign up to receive dirties through a drive up window...have you seen what boys do to their underwear?) So, with that being said, let me share with you what the laundering life of a family of 9 looks like.
First of all, I am proud to share with you that last August we purchased a front-loading high-efficiency washer and dryer. Of course, these machines are not supposed to sit on the actual ground...no...they must be elevated to a proper height...less bending over and back pain, right? Well only if my hampers were on similar pedestals and no kids ever left sopping wet clothes on a floor, sigh. We did, however, fall prey to the sales persons wisdom on this issue and purchased the matching candy-apple red pedestals for our appliances. It is, a beautiful thing, I assure you. And, you can almost hear the "ta-da" each time you walk past them and they stand up tall and blink their pretty lights at you. Yes, I said lights. To start a load of clothes in what I affectionately call the Laundroghini (because, sweet people, these machines cost more than my first car), you must first press the on button...and hear the quaint little ding as the blue lights and LED display power up. No more loud laundry noises...flipping up the lid, filling it with water, dumping the soap, the clothes and slamming the lid...nope...this is streamlined! You make about as many decisions when starting the machine as you do approaching the Starbucks counter...heavy/cotton/warm/cold/high spin speed/extra water/soil level...yada yada yada. But once you figure out how to wash your wares, it is a real sense of accomplishment. I mean...I was just able to cram three comforters, a weeks worth of towels, an infant, and a kitchen rug into the thing...and it will be done in an hour. (Oh, and lest you think I don't care about the enviroment...it will use less water, less soap, and less power while doing it!) Also a huge selling point for our family...more clothes per load, less of everything else...and you don't have to bend over!
Here is what the guy didn't tell us.
Loads that used to be done in 30 minutes now take an hour. (Okay, but we can do three loads in one...so problem solved.)
Soap that used to cost $10.00 per bottle...now averages $20.00...for half the amount of soap. (Yes, but you use less...therefore it evens out, right?)
New, expensive machines with digital displays tend to break down. (Ahhh....but the geniuses at Home Depot have sold us on the benefits of the extended warranty. Ka-ching.$)
That triple duty load that you put in on the way to bed last night is now sour from sitting in the machine for more than 2 hours...yummo. I really like to smell of mildew and laundry soap. (I know, I occasionally have to rewash the load...big deal. Oops, there goes the savings on the soap, water, and power.)
And, drum roll please, the last thing the salesman didn't tell us...when you spend that kind of money on something that looks like your first car, costs as much as a set of braces, and is, well, going to take at least 24 months to pay off...chances are you don't want to put your kids' DNA in it! (You know what I mean.) Seriously, though...I was thinking, "I don't want to put this in here...it is new, sparkling clean, and let's face it...doesn't use that much water. How is this going to turn out well?"
I am happy to report to you, however, that the items do come out beautifully clean...the little airplane engine that goes Mach 3...must just fling the crap off of this stuff and well, toss a little water on it for good measure. It has indeed proven to be a timesaver, when I don't miss the polite little ding as it lands...and well, as long as it doesn't sit on the tarmac for a layover...it is all good.
And the dryer...well, fast and fresh. Not a problem.
Here I sit, though, listening to my domestic investment, and I am troubled by what happens when laundering becomes a tad more efficient. No one warned me that with such efficacy comes a new dilemma. Piles and piles of clean clothes. Baskets of clean, mismatched socks...that will, I am certain, never see their appropriate mate again. If only I could supoena the laundry fairy that so eagerly helps Kate Gosselin with her sextuplets' laundry...or the Godsend that the Duggar mom brags about that stops by each week to fold and put away their 17 kids' clean duds. Nope...my best hope lies in the husband and the three older offspring. (You know how boys fold...uh, I mean wad the clothes....and my older daughter? Yeah, right....she is left handed...the creative type. Last time she folded and put away clean clothes, I found my denim capris in my teenage sons drawer. (Lets just say that it wouldn't be a perfect fit.)
Looking on the bright side, though, I want to assure you that a large family and their laundry is a very important life lesson for my whole family. In fact, we are learning such critical problem solving skills. Here is what we have learned: if it is not in your drawer, check the couch, if it is not on the couch, check the laundryroom counter, if it is not on the counter, check the dryer, and if it is not in the dryer....wear something else. See? What a great little treasure hunt we just experienced and now we get to start all over again. :)
I know how blessed we are...that we have running water, soap, fancy machines, and even clothes without holes and with good elastic (most of them) so I won't spiral into "woe is me" on this topic. But, let me leave you with this food for thought: can we come up with the disposable clothes already? (And I don't mean just the potty-trainers messed undies that you suddenly make "disposable" because it is just too much DNA to deal with!) Can we, in our quest to solve all of lifes problems, find a moment to invent everything we need in a dry-weave, disposable garment? Can you imagine? We could pick up a month's worth at Costco...never have to pack for a family trip again, never worry about style and price...just don our Star-trek like paper suit and spend our time doing the things we love most! (Better yet, we could order our disposiclothes online and they would arrive in a discreet brown box...no one would know that we didn't even take the time to shop for our clothes!) And remember, they would be recyclable too.
Wow, I am so environmentally friendly, it kills me.
My children are the hope of the future...they are the one's who will solve this laundry puzzle...in fact...they are working on it as we speak...turns out you can ignore everything I just said...they just walked in the door from school, wearing the same clothes for the third time this week. So much for the great problem solving skills and the Laundroghini that was never used. If CPS calls, tell them I am washing their clothes right now. ...."ding."
First of all, I am proud to share with you that last August we purchased a front-loading high-efficiency washer and dryer. Of course, these machines are not supposed to sit on the actual ground...no...they must be elevated to a proper height...less bending over and back pain, right? Well only if my hampers were on similar pedestals and no kids ever left sopping wet clothes on a floor, sigh. We did, however, fall prey to the sales persons wisdom on this issue and purchased the matching candy-apple red pedestals for our appliances. It is, a beautiful thing, I assure you. And, you can almost hear the "ta-da" each time you walk past them and they stand up tall and blink their pretty lights at you. Yes, I said lights. To start a load of clothes in what I affectionately call the Laundroghini (because, sweet people, these machines cost more than my first car), you must first press the on button...and hear the quaint little ding as the blue lights and LED display power up. No more loud laundry noises...flipping up the lid, filling it with water, dumping the soap, the clothes and slamming the lid...nope...this is streamlined! You make about as many decisions when starting the machine as you do approaching the Starbucks counter...heavy/cotton/warm/cold/high spin speed/extra water/soil level...yada yada yada. But once you figure out how to wash your wares, it is a real sense of accomplishment. I mean...I was just able to cram three comforters, a weeks worth of towels, an infant, and a kitchen rug into the thing...and it will be done in an hour. (Oh, and lest you think I don't care about the enviroment...it will use less water, less soap, and less power while doing it!) Also a huge selling point for our family...more clothes per load, less of everything else...and you don't have to bend over!
Here is what the guy didn't tell us.
Loads that used to be done in 30 minutes now take an hour. (Okay, but we can do three loads in one...so problem solved.)
Soap that used to cost $10.00 per bottle...now averages $20.00...for half the amount of soap. (Yes, but you use less...therefore it evens out, right?)
New, expensive machines with digital displays tend to break down. (Ahhh....but the geniuses at Home Depot have sold us on the benefits of the extended warranty. Ka-ching.$)
That triple duty load that you put in on the way to bed last night is now sour from sitting in the machine for more than 2 hours...yummo. I really like to smell of mildew and laundry soap. (I know, I occasionally have to rewash the load...big deal. Oops, there goes the savings on the soap, water, and power.)
And, drum roll please, the last thing the salesman didn't tell us...when you spend that kind of money on something that looks like your first car, costs as much as a set of braces, and is, well, going to take at least 24 months to pay off...chances are you don't want to put your kids' DNA in it! (You know what I mean.) Seriously, though...I was thinking, "I don't want to put this in here...it is new, sparkling clean, and let's face it...doesn't use that much water. How is this going to turn out well?"
I am happy to report to you, however, that the items do come out beautifully clean...the little airplane engine that goes Mach 3...must just fling the crap off of this stuff and well, toss a little water on it for good measure. It has indeed proven to be a timesaver, when I don't miss the polite little ding as it lands...and well, as long as it doesn't sit on the tarmac for a layover...it is all good.
And the dryer...well, fast and fresh. Not a problem.
Here I sit, though, listening to my domestic investment, and I am troubled by what happens when laundering becomes a tad more efficient. No one warned me that with such efficacy comes a new dilemma. Piles and piles of clean clothes. Baskets of clean, mismatched socks...that will, I am certain, never see their appropriate mate again. If only I could supoena the laundry fairy that so eagerly helps Kate Gosselin with her sextuplets' laundry...or the Godsend that the Duggar mom brags about that stops by each week to fold and put away their 17 kids' clean duds. Nope...my best hope lies in the husband and the three older offspring. (You know how boys fold...uh, I mean wad the clothes....and my older daughter? Yeah, right....she is left handed...the creative type. Last time she folded and put away clean clothes, I found my denim capris in my teenage sons drawer. (Lets just say that it wouldn't be a perfect fit.)
Looking on the bright side, though, I want to assure you that a large family and their laundry is a very important life lesson for my whole family. In fact, we are learning such critical problem solving skills. Here is what we have learned: if it is not in your drawer, check the couch, if it is not on the couch, check the laundryroom counter, if it is not on the counter, check the dryer, and if it is not in the dryer....wear something else. See? What a great little treasure hunt we just experienced and now we get to start all over again. :)
I know how blessed we are...that we have running water, soap, fancy machines, and even clothes without holes and with good elastic (most of them) so I won't spiral into "woe is me" on this topic. But, let me leave you with this food for thought: can we come up with the disposable clothes already? (And I don't mean just the potty-trainers messed undies that you suddenly make "disposable" because it is just too much DNA to deal with!) Can we, in our quest to solve all of lifes problems, find a moment to invent everything we need in a dry-weave, disposable garment? Can you imagine? We could pick up a month's worth at Costco...never have to pack for a family trip again, never worry about style and price...just don our Star-trek like paper suit and spend our time doing the things we love most! (Better yet, we could order our disposiclothes online and they would arrive in a discreet brown box...no one would know that we didn't even take the time to shop for our clothes!) And remember, they would be recyclable too.
Wow, I am so environmentally friendly, it kills me.
My children are the hope of the future...they are the one's who will solve this laundry puzzle...in fact...they are working on it as we speak...turns out you can ignore everything I just said...they just walked in the door from school, wearing the same clothes for the third time this week. So much for the great problem solving skills and the Laundroghini that was never used. If CPS calls, tell them I am washing their clothes right now. ...."ding."
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