Monday, June 30, 2008

Barfy McBarfington

I know you all are dying to know about the weekend, but let me just tell you that it ended prematurely with an early morning phone call...sickness had struck...and we had to get the kids.

Ever since we got home on Sunday, we have had sick people. Me, baby, hubby was sick on Saturday at the conference, and my 6 yo daughter was sick this morning too. AAAHHHHH!

Can I just tell you all that I am SO sick of sick people. Myself included.

We have all had the flu at least 10 times (not exaggerating) since November. This has been the worst year we have ever had for this sort of thing (Knock on wood)...and I would love to know what we are doing wrong.

What the heck is causing the repeated bouts of this stuff? We take vitamins. We keep things clean enough around here...not perfect, but not overbleached. We should still be leaving room for the healthy bacteria here.

What is going on?

And have I told all of you that I am not the most compassionate person when people are sick? You know, I think it is that germ thing. I don't want to get any on, "um, I'm sorry you are sick, but stay away from me" is kind of my mantra. I don't like that I am that way, I just am. It is not that I don't care, it is that I get really uncomfortable.

At this point, if anyone knows of a Mr. Clean magic eraser for the gastrointestinal system, or maybe some liquid bleach like stuff that will microclean our insides...would you let me know? SOS pads for the colon? Clorox wands for the "lower east side"?

Lastly, does anyone have any barf cleaning tips that will allow one to clean up this dreaded stuff without heaving and gagging yourself? Because I am on the verge of needing to permanently clothespin my sniffer.

I am beginning to think we have some major parasites, and I am not referring to the 7 kids.

Calgon, take me away.

The Maid

Friday, June 27, 2008

Parting is such sweet sorrow....

Friends, Romans, Countrymen...

'Tis your glorious maid know the one who puts an extra chocolate on your pillow.

(Hey, I didn't say that I wouldn't take a bite out of it first.)

Just checking in to say that I am off for a weekend retreat with the butler...oh, yes, we are hanging the do not disturb sign for sure! We are going to, uh hem, work on our marriage. It is a marriage retreat...and I hope we pass the test.

It has been 3 years since we have been in a hotel room alone with no kids for two nights! Woohoo!

I will talk with all of you precious people when I return. Hopefully I will learn something significant about the dear butler while we are he loves to communicate and really wishes I wouldn't stop talking...or that he enjoys mopping and wishes he could do it every day.

Hmmm...and what will he learn about me? Well...that I really like to take a bath or shower ALONE and preferably without a cheek grab from him. And that I know the only reason his side of the sink is cleaner than mine is because he throws all of his junk on my side. Yep, I'm onto you buddy.

So when I return enlightened, about how we should control our emotions, share our lives with each other, and edify one another always...I would really like to find that one of you dear bloggers has sent a repairman to our home in our absence to repair our 55" Big Screen TV. (Nope, this isn't really ours...ours looked worse than that.)

(Don't ask me if I totally made the butler so mad that he threw a ladder through it, I will deny it. That is my story and I'm sticking to it. Really.)

While we are away learning how not to do that, could someone please undo all of the damage we have done to our kids along the way too? (Thanks Ruby and have your work cut out for you.) Whatever you can't undo, Oprah can capitalize on later.

Okay, so really we are not that bad...doesn't everyone have a trailer trash fight once every ten years? What I mean of course, is a girls gone wild kind of fight where clothes get torn or you have to break something to let it all out.

Spill it. You know you all have at least one juicy story...I am going to have a contest...yep...that's it. Leave me a comment while I'm gone detailing your great trailer trash fight story and when I return, I'll pick a winner with the help of the angry, I mean, loving butler.

Don't worry I won't send you a kid or a fish or will be a great prize...something really all of the leftover candy bars my kids didn't sell or something. (Giggle.)

Have a great weekend,

The gentle and quiet Maid. (Believe that and boy do I have some great swamp land for sale.)

Disclaimer #1: No butlers or maids were harmed in the writing of this blog. The ladder through the tv story is shared with exclusive verbal permission from the butler himself, he only asks that you not call him the angry butler. He is, after all, a musician (drummer) and you all know what musicians can do to a hotel room. Hee Hee.

Disclaimer #2: If you are living in, haved lived in, or ever plan to live in a trailer, please do not be offended by the term trailer trash. We have lived in trailers more than once, so we are highly qualified. If you are trailer trash, please know that it is simply a term of endearment...yeah, that's it. And lastly, if you are a girl gone wild, please know that the butler and I will be praying for you. Please put your shirt back on and get off of the keg.

Monday, June 23, 2008

That's how I blogroll...

Blogging is a cruel, cruel world.

You are on a blogroll one minute, and axed from it the next.

Sorry dear Thirsty Pretzel, I'm No Belle, and Bunco friend.

If you don't update for a month (I hope you are still alive Amy)

...or if I don't personally know you and you don't update for 3 weeks (Whatevah Scarlett)

...or if I never get comments from you and I'm not on your blogroll either (Sweet Bunco friend)

Well, you may now exit the runway.

To all the blogs I've loved before:

You are not exempt either. I'm fickle. And it's my blog and I will snuff out your torch without taking a vote.

So who is on my blogroll?

Well...friends that I know and who often comment. Friends who don't comment as much as I wish they would...and friends that begged me to put them there. (Just kidding girlie...I was glad to do it.)

I've also included links to people I don't know, but who have passed the "can my kid read this" test.

There are so many more out there that I would like to share with you all, but if I were to do that...well, I'm afraid of the stormtroopers that would one day come looking for those haunting images on my computer. (Uh hum, Hallie. I've seen truth on your blog that Jack Nicholson couldn't handle.) And I love Hallie. She is the friend in high school that all of the nerdy (Maid) girls wanted to hang out with, but had to lie to their mother about. Oh, and she probably had cigarettes in her purse. She does, after all, show us girls parts of the world wide web that we had only heard urban legends about. I wish I was the free spirit that is the Wonderful World of Wieners. (Disclaimer: if you are under the age of 18, please get your parents permission before going to this or any other blog site.)

The others on my blogroll are either mutual admiration societies (Love me some Happy Mommy and Bogart)...we read, we comment, and I don't like to miss a day....OR, someone on whom we have a bloggy crush...or wish we were invited to their bounce houses in the back yard because they are that cool. (Poop and Boogies)

Oh, and one more category...the sistah hood...the girls that have your back. Some you know, some you don't. Some you feel like you know because you are in their business daily. You would mail them their favorite Starbucks or a pregnancy test because you want that for them too...or you would stop, drop, and pray for their needs. (And sometimes do!)

It's a curious thing, this little blogmall. With the click of the mouse I can window shop (lurker), stop in and buy something (commenter), or have a frequent shopper card (blogroll em).

Thanks to all of you who are a part of my blogmall...strolling the shops with me, trying on shoes with me and telling me which ones to buy, and those of you who publicly declare that you go to the mall with me...and say "Hey, you oughtta know this girl...she's the bomb shizz" as my 15 year old son so often says. (I guess "the bomb" just isn't cool enough anymore. )

Oh, and if ever you want me to add you to my blogroll...well, let me know. I will email you an application...and as soon as I receive your processing fee, we'll be in business. (Just kidding...I can't be bought...unless you count brownies, comments, or hyperlinks!)

Have a great week, and let me know if you have any great blogsites to check out. I have shopped all over this dang mall, and sometimes only your friends can tell you about the bargain basement or the screamin' deals! :)

The Maid-shizz (You know, I hope that is not slang for a swear word??? Son??)

Saturday, June 21, 2008

I'm it! I'm it!

Seems I've been tagged by a couple of bloggers who want to know more about me....

Yeah, I don't get it either....lil ole me? What more do you need to know, I'm awesome. LOL goes:

Julia and her bloomin' life wanted me to play this one:

Cooking Meme:

When was the most recent time you were burned? Sadly, twas a curling iron not the stove. Um about two months ago.

Can you cook? Heavens no. I can assemble food...but cooking...not so much.

If yes, name your specialties: Costco Carnitas, Red Baron Pizza, Sam's Club pulled pork.

Do you enjoy cooking? NO! Hate it...hate cleaning...hate prepping...but oddly I love to feed people.

If no, do you want to be able to cook? I've often thought that I'd like to learn...but probably not or I would have done something about it. Hee Hee

What color is your kitchen? Ralph Lauren color. Mocha cabinets with Black and copper granite. Oh, and an ever-so-lovely movie theater sticky floor.

Do you bake? Love to bake. Ask my friends...I'm Becky Homecky, Goddess of the Cream Horn.

If yes, do you like to bake? Yes, almost as much as I like sleeping. I said almost.

If no, do you want to bake? N/A

What color is your apron? Never wear one...have a bunch, but truth is...I don't own any clothes that are worth protecting. And with this skinnertube of mine that protrudes right at counter height, there just aren't enough aprons! Maybe cooking girdles will become popular.

**I tag Happy Mommy....(although I think I already know the answers little recipe sharer!)
Hallie @ Wonderful World of Wieners
Bunch of Bull-ers

****Meme #2 (Courtesy of Happy Mommy...thanks for waiting!):

The ABC's of me:

A. Attached or Single? Attached - The Butler and I have been together for 14 years...married 13 years this October 21st.

B. Best Friend? Probably hubby...or my mom! The people that have stayed the course with me...and I have a lot of fun with both of them.

C. Cake or Pie? Cake...of course with Whipped Cream Frosting! :)

D. Day of choice? Saturday...because if I really need to sleep in, I usually can. Hubby is the morning parent...I'm the Night Owl.

E. Essential item? Toilet paper. Sorry, I know that is very practical, but I go into panic mode when we start getting low. Oh, and I need me some hand sanitizer. Mascara would be a close second...I feel naked without it. (Now that we mention this...I'm thinking bra girls don't have any get up and I really NEED that little ditty.)

F. Favorite color? Purple...and black...and blue...I guess I'm kind of a bruise girl. (Without the yellow.)

G. Gummy Bears or Worms? Worms the sour kind.

H. Home town? I was an Army brat, so I don't really have one. Born in London, England, though. Pip pip...cheerio.

I. Favorite indulgence? Ice Cream (Amen Sister!)

J. January or July? January. I hate the summer months...where we live it is too darn hot. Without a pool, this city is a miserable place to spend July.

K. Kids? We have 7, but are currently expecting the 8th. Don't know if I want more, but I would consider adoption before I would consider pregnancy again myself.

L. Life isn't complete without? Diet Coke and crushed ice. (And maybe good Mexican food.)

M. Marriage Date? October 21, 1995

N. Number of brothers and sisters? I was an only child until mom remarried when I was 18 and my dad remarried and they had two girls when I was in high school...half sisters. But I still feel like an real close siblings.

O. Oranges or Apples? Clementine oranges...yummo!

P. Phobia's? Death, spiders, snakes, scorpions, public restrooms, and germs in general.

Q. Quotes? "It is not a slight thing, when those who are so fresh from God, love us." Charles Dickens.

R. Reasons to smile? Salvation, Kids, Love...teeth, oh and not being on a diet.

S. Season of choice? Winter...the most reasonable of all seasons around here...and it usually only lasts about 3 days. :)

T. Tag 5 people. Everyone on my blogroll...consider yourself tagged. (Yes, April, that means you too. You are not too good for this dumb stuff.)

U. Unknown fact about me? I am secretly Wonder Woman. Oh, and read this. (Okay, really, I wanna be used by God in a HUGE way someday...I hope it means traveling, speaking, and talking to women all over the country!)

V. Vegetable? Sadly, the starchy ones. Or carrots.

W. Worst Habit? If you ask some people they would say swearing. (See last post...LOL) Physically, my really bad habits include nail biting (since I was five years old) and not excercising. Spiritually, they are not reading God's word enough and failing to pray for my family often enough.

X. Xray or ultrasound? Neither...unless I'm preggers then give me an ultrasound! ;)

Y. Your favorite food? Steak and baked potato. (Mexican food is a close second.)

Z. Zodiac sign? Sagittarius...not like I believe in that stuff. (My tarot cards said not to.)

Thanks for taking the time to stop by. Please let me know if you decided to play...leave me a comment so I can ;) I really like parties...the more the PLAY with me.

The Meme-ing Maid.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Kick me while I'm down, why don't ya?

Hello People.

I've been absent from blogland for a very good reason. I think I am depressed.

I have had one naturopathic wholistic tea tree oil friend (You know who you are and you know I love you) who has been telling me that for a long time. I always ignore it. I guess I feel like as long as I get up and get dressed and put on make-up occasionally, and I don't get tears tattooed from the outer corner of my eyes...I'm fine. I haven't been basking in miniature white powdered donuts or stealing from my kids' stash of
Fundraiser Chocolate Bars or anything.

So I feel like I am plugging along in life, doing my best, keeping my kids out of jail, and trying not to exist solely on carbs. Someone who is going to her midwife, taking her kids to the dentist/orthodontist, and the occasional Bible Study can't be all that messed up, right?

Apparently not.

Evidently I am in deep need of St. John's Wort, says Dr. TeaTree. So today I looked it up. It goes by a few names...I found that it is also called: hypericum, Klamath weed, and goat weed. Did you see that?

Weed. My dear friend wants me to take "weed."

I mean, I've heard that it has medicinal uses, but doesn't it also give you the munchies? With my BMI, I can't afford the munchies. I mean I'm already struggling with trying to get off of Diet Coke, because everyone says it makes you fat.

The other name for it..."hypericum"...well, duh..."Hyper ICK um." Yep, that about sums up how I'm feeling.

SuperICK or as
queenie would say, UberICK.

I am not one to take medications. I often even put off Tylenol until near death because I've heard that it damages your kidneys or liver or something. I take vitamins, but I am even skeptical with those. I mean how much healing power can be in one little microtube...that is pressed and compacted and chemically altered? And can those things really undo a lifetime of Taco Bell and Diet Coke?

I think the conclusion that I came to is this...I don't need to "drug up" and I'm not even sure I need to "herb up"...rather I probably need to figure out the why of it all.

Why am I depressed?

I mean the Bible says that as a man purposes in his heart, so he is. And the laymen? Even Oprah and Dr. Phil say that our behaviors stem from our thoughts and our thoughts from our feelings and our feelings from our beliefs...and our beliefs go so deep that we don't often even know what they are or why they are there.

Yep...I might just need a spot on a couch for a while. Lying down, with a really good looking shrink telling me that none of this is my fault.

(Dear husband, please disregard "good looking shrink" comment...I am perfectly content with my "good looking butler" and merely blog some things for effect, okay?)

So as I delve into my thoughts, feelings, and beliefs to try to figure out why I am
here...rather than here...just humor me.

My thoughts take me to a place that I call bummerville. I realize that God's word says to take every thought captive...and not to "go there," but sometimes you just do. Bummerville consists of all of those things we decide about ourselves based upon the outside looking in perspective.

I'm unhappy with my appearance.
I'm in financial chaos.
I'm messing up my family.
I'm a terrible wife.
I'm failing as a Christian.

Yep...those are painful things to dwell on, so it is a short trip to Bummerville. You snap yourself out of it with a Diet Coke and a cookie.

Those thoughts are also not from my creator God, but from the pit.

So I move on to my feelings.

I'm unhappy.
I'm sad.
I'm scared.
I'm worried about the future.
I'm spiritually stuck.

I also realize that those feelings are temporary. Finding joy in all of my circumstances or feelings is what I am supposed to do, right? So I pull out my Bible and read in Ecclesiastes that there is a time for everything. This just might be my time to weep. (And I do.)

You can only cry for so long, though...and then you have to go change a diaper or pick up a kid from camp or celebrate a birthday or something...and you snap back into the "I love my family and this too shall pass" mentality.

Lastly, I try to figure out my beliefs:

I believe that God is in control.
I believe that He does things for my ultimate good.
I believe that He allows certain things to happen to create in me character and compassion.
I believe that God will not leave me or forsake me.
I believe that I am His child and am an heir to His throne.

With those Biblical truths, I figure I can't be that bad. If you dwell on those things, you can often overcome the thoughts and feelings that plague you and bring you down.

At least you should be able to.

Until someone calls you (as they did me last week) and tells you that you are not walking in the Spirit like you should. (While you are cleaning up puke...and headed to a "government" appointment because of your financial distress.) They question your very alignment with God's word and your walk. They tell you that you are not someone that they want to spend time with because of your cursing. Oh, and you drink. (Everyone I know can attest that you can count the number of drinks I've had in the last 5 years on one hand. And even God's word doesn't forbid drinking.) And they do all of this under the guise of "I owe you an apology because I lied to you."

Uh, okay. This person apologizes and then says, "but do you want to know why?" (Warning: If anyone calls you and asks if you want to know why they said something behind your back...just say no.) So I listened. And I cried. I was not only shocked, but hurt. And ultimately, I disagreed. It took several days of digging through scriptures to come to the conclusion that this "rebuke" was not from the Lord. I could learn from it, but it was not God that was condemning me.

God comforted me and directed me to verses which assured me that the condemnation I felt was not from Him. "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." He also took me to verses which showed me that I should strive to be a person with a gentle and quiet spirit, and that the things I say should be edifying.

I am (and have been for a while) profoundly aware of my own own ability to act in the flesh. I occasionally swear, make jokes, and react in the flesh.

I struggle (as any of us do) in many areas of my Christian walk, however, I do not consider myself to be choosing to sin. If and when I say what is not in God's will or is not edifying, I feel terrible, and I believe it is the Holy Spirit who convicts me, not others. And I will repent.

But I think this blog could be a testimony of how I have cleaned it up over the years. I try not to put anything in writing that others would take offense to. I think the worst thing I have said in this blog is "crap." (For which I was confronted, by the way.)

I think this blog is somewhat reflective of my life. Because Christians may be reading this, I try to keep it clean. You can bet that when I am around Christians, or am at church, that I am mindful of what I say. (I am actually mindful of what I say all the time...we have even confronted kids in public for using foul language.) So her accusations crushed me. I spiraled into a "I guess I'm not good enough" mentality...and wondered if God would ever use me.

Well, to that God said to me that my very brokenness is His qualification for using me. God does not call perfect people, He calls imperfect people. He wants me. Can you believe that? God wants me?

Margaritas, swear words, stinking thinking, and all...God wants me.

Ultimately I have learned a lot from this. I will be longsuffering with my friends when they offend me, because I don't know what they are going through. I will pray for them more. I will speak ill of them to no one. (That way I won't have to call and apologize...and then feel as if I have to justify my own behavior by attacking them.)

Maybe what we all need to do as friends, sisters in Christ, to take the "Friendship" hypocratic oath. Which sums it all up with this: First, do no harm.

You never help someone out of a pit, by kicking them first

*Disclaimer: If you know me or know the people involved in this scenario, know that I mean no disrespect to anyone. I am the owner of this blog and it is a place for MY feelings and thoughts. If you wish to leave a comment, just know that it may be deleted if I feel it is inappropriate or uses identifying information. The above paragraphs are my own thoughts and feelings, hopes and goals as a Christian...if I fail them in any way, you do not need to throw them in my face in the future. While I hope I never hurt anyone, I know I will. So in advance, I am sorry. And guess what...I am still a child of God in all of my failures, and He loves me! Hallelujah!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

More people to the gallon....

We all are experiencing the pinch at the pump. Recently Queen April lamented at the $95.02 she forked out as the fuel pump mocked her. I too have been scoffed at by QT as I shoved the nozzle into the 'Burb. I think I even heard a faint "na na na na naaaaa na." I mean $4.15 a gallon? April, get this, it cost me a tad over $120.00 to plop in a mere 30 gallons. I found myself actually wishing that I could fuel my vehicle with milk. For the first time in my lifetime, a gallon of milk is cheaper than a gallon of gas. Or I could fillerup with diet coke...after all THAT is what gets ME going in the morning. Right?

What baffles me even more is, that we don't know how to fix it as a country, or it hasn't been a priority yet. Oil companies are boasting obscene profits, and like APS and Qwest before them, we allow them to have a price-fixing, there-ain't-no-use-shopping-around kind of business.

I found myself puzzled that, in this day and age, "we can put a man on the moon" but WE haven't figured out the alternative fuel thing. I mean even Sao Paolo already boasts a city not dependent on oil at all. They are growing and sustaining crops of sugar cane to produce sugar ethanol. They have streets littered with vehicles which run on sugar ethanol. (What moon did they walk on?) Hello...this is Brazil, people. This is a country that conjures up images of lush green landscapes, coffee beans, and exotic animals...not economic independence. Geesh, I am so behind the times.

But apparently, I am not the only one. Our entire country is behind. Do you drive a sugar ethanol vehicle? I bet not. We are forking over $4.15 a gallon right now (while skipping vacations, dining out, health care, new underwear...whatever) to be able to drive a car. I think I earned less than that per hour at my first "real" job. This is not a luxury folks...this is how we get from A to earn a living! (For those of you who are really earning a living, right now we are just pretending.)

I am afraid, too, that "they" are saying it is going to get worse. Yikes!

I laughed when a couple of the car manufacturers were offering a 2.99 per gallon guarantee for gas when you purchase a new car. That cracked me up..."Hey honey, let's go spend 35,000 on a new vehicle so that we can save a few cents a gallon." Yup...that is brilliant.

Apparently, the joke is on me. I am now thinking about buying a jeep. The only problem is that I don't think they make one that would seat my whole family.

Darn it.

So how do we, an average American large family, save money on gas? Well, first of all, we don't drive very far each week. We are limiting our trips to church, shopping, and other stops. We don't ever go for a "lesiurely drive" on a Sunday afternoon anymore. Our annual trip to California? Dumped. And well, we scour the ads each week for which grocery store offers the best gas coupons with purchase.

Our only comfort? My husband and I came to the conclusion that our Suburban may cost more to drive, but we are hauling around more people to the gallon than most. We figure not only are we sparing the environment, but we are bonding wherever we go. (Cheesy grin.)

How do you improve on 9 people to the gallon?

Try having 10.

Due November 6th, 2008. (That is what happens when the butler fluffs your pillow.) Wink.

So the new dilemma we are facing is that our Suburban is now too small. We will have to fork it out for one of these. Or maybe this. This is an option. I don't think this would work. (We are short on water in these here parts.) What about a couple of these? We could save on gas, although I haven't priced hay lately. Hmmm. I think we will have to settle for the 15 passenger van. It won't be so bad, eh? And since it gets the same 15-19 miles per gallon that our Chevy does, we won't be wasting any more energy, right?

See how green we are?

(In case you missed it, that was sarcasm. Don't even try to talk to me about cloth diapers.)

I'm sure in no time...Doc Brown will have perfected the Mr. Fusion garbage tank...and all of our dirty diapers will be fueling your cars.

No need to thank us. You ARE welcome.

And before anyone has a chance to say we are overpopulating the planet, blah, blah, blah...just think about how you will benefit from our soon to be 8 kids paying taxes and pouring their blood, sweat, and tears into your social security fund. Again, you can thank us later.

Lest you feel the need to ask "Are you gonna have any more?" I will tell you that we will not be filling the new van to capacity. Okie dokie?

So, now that you have digested that tidbit...ask yourself this..."How many people do you get per gallon?"


The Knocked-Up Maid

Thursday, June 5, 2008

What DO you do ALL day?

This is for all of my friends out there who have ever been asked (As I was not so long a girl friend and mom no less):

What do you guys do all day? (GLARE)

And here, my friends, is my reply: (If you get my email, you've seen this before...just humor me)

* Try to sleep

* Realize I can't sleep

* Get up

* Eat

* Clean DNA off myself (sometimes mine, sometimes not)

* Yell

* Clean up

* Eat some more of what the kids are eating

* Start laundry

* Sweep and vacuum up what we ate

* Clean counter to fold laundry on

* Begin folding laundry

* Take phone call

* Start grocery list

* Fold more laundry

* Eat laundry (just checkin)

* Peel kids off of walls

* Scrape kids gum off of walls

* Throw away swept up pile of mess from previous eating session

* Put some clean laundry away

* Look for previously started grocery list

* Do more laundry

* Clean the rooms where the kids had put away clean laundry

* Try to determine (via sniff test) which laundry they threw on the floor is clean

* Finish grocery list that I just found in the laundry room

* Sort remaining laundry while in there

* Kill small bug

* Go and get paper towel to pick up small dead bug

* Hear baby cry and go get baby

* See unstarted washing machine

* Put soap in and start machine

* See dead bug still on floor

* Forgot paper towel so go get toilet paper to flush dead bug

* See daughter's name written in cursive on bathroom mirror with something wet and greasy

* Admire the cursive for a minute

* Realize that hungry, crying baby is clawing out your eyeballs and go get nail clippers

* Sit down on couch and clip nails

* Go get wipee to clean up nail clippings (package empty)

* Put baby in swing

* Go get new package of wipees from storage in laundry room

* See dead bug again

* Use wipee to pick up dead bug and take both into bathroom to flush

* Admire the cursive on mirror one more time and pray as you flush that wipees are flushable

* Go get paper towel to clean mirror

* While grabbing said towel and mirror cleaner, put soap in dishwasher and start it

* Go clean bathroom mirror

* See wipees on counter and remember hungry baby and nail clippings

* Go to clean nail clippings and find baby sleeping in swing

* Fix self diet coke and let fizz settle

* Washing machine dings that it needs attention

* Go tend to machine

* Pull more laundry from the dryer and bring to set on kitchen counter

* See diet coke and take drink

* Give up on having a clean house

* Think about fixing kids a late lunch

* Bribe kids to rub my back as it appears they aren't hungry

* Answer phone

* Go immediately to pay bill electronically on computer

* Remember more things for grocery list which I've lost again and start a new list

* Fix "starving" kids bowl of cereal who complain that I never fixed them lunch

* Clean up remnants of other things they have eaten even though they are "starving"

* Rewash already washed clean laundry that got thrown on the floor

* Watch food network show (while trying to tidy living room) and be inspired to cook dinner

* See how much laundry was on the kitchen counter and decide not to cook dinner

* Throw clean laundry from counter onto couch

* Tell kids to get off the piles of clean laundry on the couch

* Change diaper wearer who leaked onto the clean laundry on the couch

* Have sibling bathe dirty diaper couch laundry sitter

* Clean what I already cleaned once before

* Probably eat something that was left on the counter by a kid

* Rewash clean laundry that was on the couch

* Sweep crumbs off of the kitchen floor in last ditch effort to "clean" house before hubby arrives

* Get side-tracked while looking for dust pan, broom, and/or vacuum and decide to clean up bathroom after sibling who bathed dirty diaper couch laundry sitter

* While in bathroom, flush DNA of non-diaper wearing sibling

* Hope they washed their hands

* Clean toothpaste off of bathroom counter where hands should have been washed and apparently no toothpaste actually made it onto toothbrush

* Pray for miracles for teeth which did not get brushed

* Pick up hand towel off bathroom floor

* Wipe up more DNA

* Take towel to laundry room to be washed

* Hear hubby coming through garage only to realize that:

The laundry baskets are just as full as before, most children are not bathed, the folding has been unfolded, the clean has been uncleaned, the kids are still hungry, dinner is not fixed, diapers are dirty once again, "tidied" rooms are now ground zero, nursing infant has not been fed all day and has now dipped below birthweight while surviving on thumb saliva, realize that I have not peed all day, and that once again I am covered in DNA (some mine, some not)...collapse, try to sleep and wake up tomorrow once more to....repeat list.

If you made it all the way through the above entry, you are either thankful you have only one child, thankful that your children do their own laundry or choose to be naked, or a mom who can totally relate and who now knows that you are not alone!

Also...remember what your mom used to say..."Ask a stupid question...get a STUPID (nonetheless true) answer!"

Happy MOM-ing.

The Maid

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Just hold it...and bring the hand sanitizer

There are, invariably, three types of people in this world.

1) The fearless public restroom user.

2) The phobic public restroom user.

3) The anti-public restroom user.

**Person number one, who we shall call Pee-Mobile, does not mind using any public restroom, at any time, in any location.

This person does not check the stall first to make sure that there are no unsunken battleships in the toilet, or that it is even remotely clean. They are the ones who run in, take care of business, and run out, without ever pondering the unseen microbes that linger and could be hitching a ride on their backside until the next shower.

This person is an enigma to me. Pee-Mobile doesn't even carry hand sanitizer, isn't afraid to touch the flusher, the faucet, or the door handle when exiting the restroom, and certainly won't mind the absence of toilet seat covers. (I am having a panic attack just thinking about this person.) This is probably the same person that can base jump, ride scary roller coasters, or dive in a shark cage just for the fun of it. They go camping and don't bring a porta-potty or toilet paper...they may even wipe booty with tree bark. Pee-Mobiles are reckless and sometimes stupid, but on the upside live their lives without regrets. Although I am in awe of this person, I would never share a bag of popcorn with them. (EEEWWWW)

**Person number two, who I like to refer to as Sprint, is the one who is prepared for battle when reaching the public restroom. They do not like it in there, but they come cocked and ready to fire. They have a certain standard that the restroom must meet before they will even enter. In fact, you can recognize the Sprinter by how many stalls they peer into before entering. A line of 10 stalls may only have one acceptable potty. This person is looking for clean, dry, well-stocked, preferably odor-free, and even more preferably not recently used porcelain.

Sprint likes to bring along his/her own supplies. At any given time, he/she will have Purell alcohol gel or wipes, other hand washing supplies, and yes, even a travel sized pouch of toilet seat covers. (Oh, they do exist, trust me.) This dear person is likely to squat even with a seat cover, as added protection, and might be in such a hurry to get out of the place that he/she leaves a sprinkle on the seat.

A Sprinter is also the one who flushes with his/her shoe to avoid touching the flusher (if no auto flush is available) and who advances the paper towels with the elbow, and opens the restroom door upon exiting with a PAPER towel. (Of course this person will use the hand sanitizer after discarding the paper towel...maybe even more than once.) Depending on the state of the restroom, this person also has been known to hold his/her breath the entire duration of the restroom visit.

Although Sprints are somewhat phobic, they would still opt for public outings and just choose to come prepared. They may also be former boy/girl scouts and you can bet they probably keep a pretty clean house. Their kids get frequent doses of hand sanitizer, wipee wipe downs, and probably more than once daily baths.

**Person number three, the most cautious of them all, we will call No-Pee-A. This is the person who will never opt for public restroom usage. They limit their outings to short ones and do not stray far away from home. This is the person that admits that there is not enough hand sanitizer in the world to make them sit where strange butts have sat, and risk publicly mingling personal fluids. No-Pee-A would also admit that they have peed themselves on more than one occasion to avoid a public restroom debacle.

This is the person who gags when changing a diaper, wears gloves to clean their home toilets, and uses Clorox bleach by the truckload. In fact, ironically, this person is probably more prone to illness because of the killing of all of the good bacteria throughout his/her lifetime. No-Pee-A has also probably spent a kings ransom on antibiotics for all of his/her urinary tract infections that stemmed from "holding it."

No-Pee-A, contrary to popular belief, is not crazy. In fact, I think the further you read on in this article, you may decide to "Just Hold It."


With the above in mind, please read the following summary of the reasons that these personalities may have developed. Just know that you may feel you need a shower after reading this blog.

1) Automatic flushers malfunction.

* We have all had this happen, I suppose. You get your seat cover perfectly aligned on the seat, maybe even two, and when you turn around, assume the position and commence to squat, the auto flush goes off. Your butt hits the seat (gag) right as the covers are dragged into the water. Sigh.

* You are carefully placed atop the covers, making quick work of your business, when the auto flush goes off while you are still mid-stream. Of course this is no low-flow toilet kind of flush. This is the Boeing 747 flush that will, if need be, suck a small animal down the drain. This is the one that uses such a powerful spray that your germa-phobic bottom gets the crop dusting of public restroom toilet water as you are trying to quickly eject from said seat. This one might put an end to public outing, as you feel you must find the nearest Clorox wipes, if not head home to shower.

2) Public restroom toilet paper is from the devil.

* This sorry excuse for toilet paper is tightly wound and won't even tear off one square at a time. This roll often takes two hands to just get that coveted 18 inches of one ply paper.

* This roll of public restroom paper is off the holder and has been, no doubt, on the floor. (I just threw up in my mouth.) God only knows whose hands or more have touched this roll, which you are expected to dab all over your personal "produce department."

* Lastly, this roll is so thin, that as you pull the paper off the roll, you notice holes in the paper. A little like Swiss cheese. This paper is definitely not "quilted" and most certainly is considered a half a ply. No amount of this paper will make it equal regular paper. It will always feel like computer paper as you try to avoid a paper cut to the promised land.

3) The sink. Yep, the glorious washing place, not.

* You all know THIS sink. It is the one that appears to have had a small child bathing in it because there is water everywhere. In fact, no place to set your purse as you wash up, and once you begin to realize that it is spraying so powerfully that you exit the bathroom with water marks from chin to crotch. Thankfully, though it was a pressure washer because there was inevitably, no soap.

* This sink is the one that has a hot and cold button. One on each side. They do not work together. You get hot or cold. In fact, when faced with that choice, we all would rather suffer third degree burns. Another perk at this faucet is that the dumb thing has to be held down with one hand while you wash the other. Yep, that is convenient. Let me hold onto, for a prolonged period of time, the slimy, wet faucet that all the other public pee-ers touched. This is the sink that does absolutely no good without hand sanitizer. This is why women go to the potty in person has to hold the faucet down with a paper towel. Got it?

* All other sinks fit into one category, clean or not? Nothing more pleasurable than having successfully peed, flushed, and fled...only to find a filthy sink with several of Cher's long black hairs in them. Why is that? Why is it that the only stray hair in a public bathroom sink is 8 feet long and black? (I think we should lobby the legislature for mandatory hair net usage in public restrooms.)

4) The hand drying mechanism.

* The blow dryer is, in my opinion, like having a sick child cough into your hands. The recycled restroom air that it is blowing all over your "wet" hands, has to be the most disgusting invention. (Next to the one piece revolving cloth drying towel of the 70's.) Even if you don't mind the dirty air blowing on you, lingering in a place that smells of other people's junk is not for me. (I don't care how many air fresheners they try to disguise it with!)

* The automatic paper towel dispenser. You are supposed to not have to touch it. You end up having to touch 10 buttons all over the thing to find out how to manually advance the towels. By the time you score your paper towels, you need to rewash.

* The "pull with two hands" towels. Oh yep. These are a hoot. These are the ones that never tear off correctly, get jammed in the dispenser, and must be pulled on simultaneously by both hands strategically placed on the half inch of towel that is sticking out of the machine. Dude...makes me want to use my shirt.


So, my friends, if you are not a No-Pee-A, then you more than likely have experienced an auto-flush failure, a can't spare a square dispenser, the "Old Faithful" spray of an auto sink, or the blowing of hot, yucky air onto your flesh. Don't try to reach for my popcorn.

I'm telling ya...I think I will just hold it.

(And I do, until that four year old decides she needs to go...all I can say is....
"Please don't touch anything!") As I reach for my purell.

What kind of tinkler are you?