Tuesday, October 27, 2009

The Top 10 Signs that you are in need of a "Lifestyle" change...

We don't say diet...we say, "Lifestyle change."

As if that helps.

But recently, I began reflecting on this area of my life (when don't I?) and some lightbulb moments (thanks Oprah) happened to spring up. And since you can't change what you don't acknowledge (thanks Dr. Phil), I thought I might "acknowledge" all of these things here...top ten style. (Thanks David Letterman):

The Top 10 Reasons You Begin to realize your need for a Lifestyle Change:

10) You think the "Big Dress" Ruby is wearing looks comfortable.

9) You think you could rock the "naked in bed sheets" look at the Brookhaven Obesity Clinic.

8) You hate to drop things in public because that means bending your fat butt over. (And you always bring a kid with you for this reason..."honey, pick that up for mama.")

7) You contemplate having another child so that you can go another year without sucking your stomach in.

6) Even though you are the shortest person on the planet, you like the back row in pictures.

5) You no longer have to squeeze your face together when you do the "Hi, my name is chubby" joke.

4) You watch Biggest Loser for "inspiration" with tub of cookie dough and fork.

3) You have to give up your favorite pants because your thighs have herniated the fabric in the crotch.

2) You think "don't ask, don't tell" should be the new Weight Watcher slogan. (And you find that orange "hungry" character kind of cute.)

AND the number one reason it might be time to change your lifestyle.....

1) You wake up feeling as if you are being strangled by your own breasts. (Image too disturbing for blog.)

Thinking it is time for "You, on a diet." (Thanks Dr. Oz)

Honestly yours,

The ready to be made thin, Maid.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Google must die.

Actually, let me rephrase that..."My urge to Google must die."

Do you ever feel like having all of this information at your very feeble and often inept fingertips is a hazzard to your health?

I do. I REALLY do.

In fact, I have a love/hate relationship with my computer search engine. I do not like that anytime I feel led, I can put in any word or phrase...or even question...and find out more than I ever wanted to know. There is just too much information out there, and well, sometimes I am just not qualified to read some of it. Do you feel me?

For example, I am a hypochondriac. I know this. And, you might think, knowing is half the battle. Well, it is not. I know I am a hypchondriac...and so I can google the symptoms of said disorder and find all of the little reasons why I am CERTAIN that I am....see for yourself:

(DEF: Hypochondriac: A person who has hypochondriasis, a disorder characterized by a preoccupation with body functions and the interpretation of normal body sensations (such as sweating) or minor abnormalities (such as minor aches and pains) as portending problems of major medical moment. Reassurance by physicians and others only serves to increase the hypochondriac's persistent anxiety about their health.) That last sentence...SO true, by the way. I have left emergency rooms after thousands of dollars of testing was done...and being told I was fine...only to say to myself, "Well, I'm pretty sure they missed it. They didn't do a colonoscopy. Yep. My spleen could still rupture." *Holding my left side* I. Am. Sick.

I can also Google, and have, any medical disorder that is mentioned on Dr. G Medical Examiner, TLC, or Discovery Health Channel. I am pretty certain that I have had strokes, heart attacks, thyroid disease, scabies, impetigo, am falling prey to Pancreatic cancer, colon cancer, breast cancer (all of the SEVERAL types that I have been emailed about...you know what I mean) and I even would guess that I have ovarian cancer right now. Because I have gas, bloating, and pelvic pain. And I often have the symptoms of IBS. Which might also mean that I have diabetes, candida, a bowel obstruction, parasites and a nasty case of the flu. Maybe even the H1N1 flu. (It is so much more fun to say swine flu, isn't it?) I ate a shrimp tonight...maybe it is the Brine flu.

So...I am not meaning to sound like I am making a big joke out of this. I realize that it is a true sickness. I worry and fret and live my life in fear constantly that any of these fears of diseases that I have googled and studied up on are currently waiting to present themselves. The only diseases that I often am able to rule out are the ones that say "unexpected weight loss."

Nope. No unexpected weight loss here. NONE. So, for now, I think I can scratch Pancreatic Cancer from my list of possible diseases.

I bet right about now, you are waiting for a reason to finish reading this morbid post. Well, let me give you one.

Tonight, I think I may have discovered a symptom that I have been overlooking.

As I was Googling (big surprise) ALS...or Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, also known as Lou Gehrig's disease...I stumbled across a symptom that I live with DAILY. (On a serious note, be in prayer for a friend of ours, we will call him "Flintstone," to protect his identity...he has just been diagnosed with this, and that is why I got scared into Googling it.)

The list of symptoms went like this:

Difficulty breathing (Check.)
Difficulty swallowing (Double check.)
Gagging (Totally have done that.)
Chokes easily (Yes...and not because I eat too fast or anything.)
Head drop due to weak spinal and neck muscles (Sometimes!)
Muscle cramps (YES! The kind that wake me up out of bed.)
Muscle weakness that slowly gets worse (Well, no, but when I had the flu..yes.)
Paralysis (Not yet, but I'm thinking not wanting to excercise is a start.)

Speech problems, such as a slow or abnormal speech pattern (Abnormal? Yes.)
Voice changes, hoarseness (Every day when I wake up! UGH!)

Additional symptoms that may be associated with this disease:
Drooling (Sometimes, when I sleep.)
Muscle contractions (Eyelid twitching?)
Muscle spasms (Nope, this is the eyelid twitching one, right?)
Ankle, feet, and leg swelling (YES...just read this post...Cankles?)
Weight loss (Darn it. Deal breaker.)

Well, as you can see...I ruled myself out...with the last one.

But here...here is the one that made me think....ready?

Some patients have trouble controlling crying or laughing. This is sometimes called "emotional incontinence."

I can finally put a name with a face. I mean my face. I have that! I TOTALLY have that. "Emotional Incontinence."

I cannot control my laughing. Even when it is inappropriate.
And crying? Well, just this weekend, I erupted in such a snot cry (you know the hysterical out of breath kind) that I had to leave the building...step outside and practice my old Lamaze breathing...that's it! Emotional Incontinence!!!!

Now, dear ones, what on earth am I supposed to do with that information?

What kind of products do they make for THAT? I mean, am I going to have to put in cry catheters? Take a laugh suppressant?

Great. One more thing to worry about. Sigh.

Seriously...if anyone sees the infomercial for the products that can spare me a lifetime of embarrassment because of my Emotional Incontinence...will you let me know? And would someone Google if the supplies for that disorder come in plain, unmarked, brown packaging? Because, after this one, I am afraid I am swearing off of Google.


Your Googling, "EmoInco" Maid.
(I don't know whether to laugh or cry right now...should I Google that?)