Insomnia and Infomercials

I have been inspired in the blogging world by many well-respected, virtuous, and forthright bloggers to come out of the closet, so to speak. No, I am not about to divulge a sexual deviance or to shock the Christian community with other unspeakable acts. I am, however, following in the blogsteps of others and posting this confession:

I stay up really late and I love infomercials.

Pfewww, I said it. As I am wiping the sweat from my brow, let me explain myself.

I probably don't have insomnia in the true sense of the word..."can't sleep," rather I have the genes of a night person and "won't sleep" until I have taken my beautiful mind for a walk. Sometimes, it seems, I can't take this little mental trip around the block until my kids are officially in bed, and I can flip through any channel I want. (We all know how careful we have to be these days not to stumble on inappropriate viewing material...even the commercials of the day have sparked interesting discussions in my house. "Mom, what is erectile dysfunction?" Yep. You read it correctly...apparently this is the "hot" new medical ad that drug manufacturers hope is sending each and every man running to the nearest doctor demanding a little dose of "Badabing!") Of course, when I, a thirtysomething Christian woman, am met by such a question from a child who was paying really close attention to such a commercial, I am speechless. (Yes, it was as scripture puts it a "momentary, light affliction"...me speechless? FAHGEDDABOUDIT!)

Anyway, I did dodge the question long enough to come up with my answer, which was not the least bit scientific or deep. It is "A grown up disease that you don't have to worry about!" Wow. Good one, Becky. They will come to you for all the answers now. (Dripping with sarcasm, in case you missed it.)

Back to the infomercials...don't you just love these? In case you are never up past midnight, and you are not a Direct TV subscriber, allow me to introduce you to my world. About 290 of the 350 channels that I receive turn in to the proverbial pumpkin at midnight and stop regular programming in lieu of making bank. Some big shot somewhere decided that only HSN and QVC watchers were up this late, so let's bring the shopping to each of their channels! Score!

I am bewildered by how I get sucked in to this because I have been able to tell at-risk kids selling candy bars at my door to pack sand, but I can't resist Shawn T and his Hip Hop Abs and Rockin' Body discs, The Almighty Cleanse, The Abdominator, Bare Minerals, Victoria's Secret, Proactive, and don't forget the Time Life 1970's Rock and Roll Collection. I watch them OVER and OVER again. You know, it is not a new episode...it is the same infomercial, but I am intrigued.

I know you are wondering this, so let me tell you what I have purchased:

Richard Simmons...Sweatin' to the Oldies. (Yep, that really worked.)
Richard Simmons...Deal A Meal. (Sadly, I overdealt.)
Slim in 6...(Okay, confession...my hubby ordered that one, and it worked until I pulled a Psoas muscle.)
Shape Secrets...(Big pole, VHS tapes, and a 12 calorie a day diet plan...the secret: still unhappy with shape.)
Time Life Legends of Rock (1970's collection.) Hey, this was a great investment, wild thing.
The Ab dolly...(Are you seeing a pattern here?)

There are probably more, but I forget.

So, I am definitely inspired by the weight loss gimmicks. I love the before and afters, the testimony (and tears) of those actors they paid to lie about their products, and all of the "hope" that arrives in the little brown package 8 weeks after you ordered it, forgot about it, and lost your motivation.

I have seen results with Richard Simmons and Slim in 6, but what the informercials don't tell you is that when you stop using their products...well, you know. I am now an even bigger AFTER. (In fact, I have often looked at some of the BEFORE pictures on these infomercials and wished I could look that good. LOL! Sadly, that is true!) We really enjoy our Legends of Rock CD's. Great road trip music! Well, as for the Ab dollies? My kids really like to use them as bobsleds and/or go carts and race each other across the driveway. So, I suppose it was a good investment.

Now, here are some things that I have never bought:

Ron Popeil products....spray on hair, spit roaster, veggimatic or whatever it is called, food dehydrator (leave the food in the minivan overnight and you have your dehydrated food for free!)...and more.

Space bags...I'm intrigued by them, but I don't know what I would do with all of the extra space.

Hip Hop Abs...I really wanna, but I think I might blow out a cervical disc.

Infomercial Make Up...I have commitment issues with makeup. Just ask Jafra, Mary Kay, Estee Lauder, Lancome, Arbonne, and Loreal.

Proactive...I have been blessed with fairly zit-free skin, never tried it.

The Almighty Cleanse...As much as I would like to get rid of my parasites, (and I am not referring to the 7 children we are raising) I am afraid.

**** Now, are you asking yourself WHY? Because I have asked myself the same thing.

I think I have uncovered the answer...They are good at what they do. Get this, Free shipping and handling...they also waive one of the easy monthly payments...oh, and when you call within the next 12 minutes, you get more stuff FREE! Ooooooo....Aaaahhhh....They said the "F" word, "free." (And don't forget the 30 day money back guarantee.) Pushover? No, not me.

I think there is only one more thing to share with you all on this topic, and that is the stuff I will NEVER buy. The stuff that I don't even get the reasoning behind the products. Here goes:

Clip on Hair...Yes, ma'am. There is a group out there selling clip on hair. In case you wake up one morning and think to yourself, I really need to get some more hair, well...it is magical. I would have never guessed that their model was near hairless until she started de-clipping the hair one weasel tail at a time. (Ick.)

The Jack Lalanne Juicer...Nope. I won't go for this on either. I don't even like to eat a carrot smothered in dressing, let alone slurp it through a straw. And a tomato, pear, carrot, spinach, strawberry, blueberry, pineapple, and zucchini smoothie? I just through up a little in my mouth.

Face Lift Tape...Oh, yeah baby. There is a freak out there peddling tiny little strips of surgical strength tape that, when precariously and purposefully placed in certain places, lifts your forehead and your jowls. Dude, just pass the duct tape. I'll cover it up with some clip on hair.

The Oreck Air Cleaner...I'm afraid it would take more than one. I live with lots of children and a husband who proudly emits a number of scents...the air cleaner would give up. Besides, if the odors around my house were cleaned up, I might find that I need a shower myself, and I don't have time.

My confessions are now complete. I watch, covet, and sometimes buy the wares peddled on midnight tv. In case you are tempted to think less of me, I just ordered the tape series on anxiety and accepting myself so that I will be prepared. I have to go, I have a date with Shawn T....we are going to "tone, tuck, and tighten" as we explore my core.

Click.