Useless Brown Water

I love this stuff. Despite the warnings on the cans, phenylketonurics: contains phenylalanine (what is that?)...and the laundry list of ingredients: carbonated water, caramel color, aspartame, phosphoric acid, potassium (see it is good for you) benzoate (preserves freshness), citric acid, natural flavors. (Again...see, it is natural.) By now, you know I am talking about diet pepsi, and in my case, caffeine free diet pepsi. So most people would ask, "what is the point if you are not even getting a caffeine buzz?" To which, I affectionately answer, "I don't know."

I am, by my own admission, addicted to it. I don't have other vices. I don't smoke, I don't drink, (well, not often...I've been pregnant or nursing for 16 years, so that takes care of that) and besides a ginormous stash of toilet paper, there aren't many things that I have to have. (Yes, I said toilet paper. I have to know that at any given time I can do business without restricting myself to 3 squares. It is peace and comfort for me on a little cardboard roll. I won't get into the details, but that is one room in my house where the "cleanliness is next to Godliness" tagline prevails.) So, what is it about the useless brown water (I know you are thinking that should be coffee, but that would be useless warm brown water) that I crave? Again, I answer intelligently, "I don't know."

Is it the taste? Well, I suppose. But there is this somewhat familiar and disgusting aftertaste of sweet and sour.

Is it the carbonation? Well, yes. I love that too. But there are times that tossing back a swig of my favorite pop actually hurts.

Is it the sound? We might be on to something here. That undeniable pop-top sound. Oooh, I think I just got a chill.

Or could it be that it is just so satisfying and so thirst quenching, that it is the only thing that will do the trick? Sadly, no. It is not satisfying. The more I drink it, the more I want it. And thirst quenching? Even sadder, no. I could stop at QT (which is, by the way, the soda fountain lovers' crack house) and select a 32 ouncer over my favorite ice (a blog for a different day) and suck it down through the pretty red straw...and guess what? I might still be thirsty. And my body would surely still be dehydrated.

I think I have the answer...it must be that it is "diet" and has absolutely no calories and nutritional value so it has spared me many pounds. Um, wait...that can't be it either. In fact, the longer I have been drinking diet coke, the bigger my butt, and therefore my clothes and vehicles, get. I have even been told by a personal trainer that diet soda makes you fat. (Blasphemer!) I'll show him...I won't go back. (By the way, he is bald...I think weight-lifting makes you lose your hair.)

So, I sit here sucking back a golden can of Caffeine Free Diet Pepsi poured over crushed ice (aren't you jealous?) and am realizing that the pop-top sound has faded, it won't satisfy me, it won't quench my thirst, the aftertaste is setting in, and it will make me fatter. I find myself asking what the Apostle Paul once asked, (and I am paraphrasing here) "Why do I do that which I don't want to do, but that which I do want to do, I don't do?" And you guessed it, my answer is, "I don't know."

Wow, those millions of dollars spent on marketing really work. I have fallen prey to the coorporate advertising phenomenon. I bought it because they told me to. I drink it because they show beautiful people drinking it. And I buy it because when you buy 4, you get one free. Duh? Do YOU need another reason?

I don't. (glug, glug, glug.....aaahhhhh.)