But this one, I am sure, is one I will want to remember.
Somehow, last night, I came down with a raging head cold. I have been sucking cough drops, downing vitamin C, drinking orange juice, gargling with salt water...etc...in an attempt to avoid the inevitable crappy feeling I am dealing with right now.
Can't breathe. (Which I don't understand why air can't get through because every ounce of fluid in my body is able to just drip out....)
Can't taste. (I am pretty sure that this is what hell is like...never being able to taste. UGH!)
Eyes watering.
Sore throat.
Runny, red, rudolph nose. (Which is in and of itself, birth control. I'm sure the hubs loves the look!)
So....imagine being called to dinner by your sweet hubby.
He had exactly 25 minutes to eat dinner with us before leaving for the dreaded evening job. He made baked potatoes, grilled the perfect salmon, and salad. (Which, when you are sick, is sandpaper. Sorry to say I did not eat the salad tonight! Now, ice cream, I think I could do that.)
So we all ate this lovely fish dinner....each kid professing it tasted good. Even the baby hardly threw a morsel on the floor. (Which is his way of giving it a thumbs up.)
Shortly after, my hubby left for work. We all started to pitch in to clean up the mess..and while cleaning decided to give the sweet baby a few cheerios to keep him happy.
Cheerios are a staple of any 13 month-olds diet, I assure you. In fact, they like to wash down baked potato and salmon with the little donut seeds.
***And that is when the comedy started. (I can say that now, now that it is over.)
She #1: "He's choking!"
Me: "Quick, help me unbuckle his high chair."
(Baby gagging...starting to turn colors)
Me: "I can't get it unstuck."
She #1: "There...got it."
At this point, the entire brood of 8 kids was hovering around us to see if He #4 was okay.
I turned him over, began the Heimlich Maneuver, and nothing.
Me: "He is still gagging, somebody call 911, and go get the neighbor!"
(Our neighbors across the street are both nurses...I have called on them before for the exact same thing.)
He #1: "Here"...trying to take the baby away from me...and then just pounding on his back.
(Baby begins crying)
Me: "Oh there...I think you got it."
He #1: "C'mon buddy, get it out."
(Baby spits up and cries and coughs and is totally fine.)
Me: "Nevermind guys...don't get the neighbor...he is okay."
***I know. Totally scary. NOT the funny part.***
My oldest went to give him a bath, while I resumed paying bills at the computer. All of the other kids were running around doing the after dinner things they always do....
*Letting the dog in to clean up the floor.
*Fighting over who actually ate the most of their dinner.
*Tattling on the sister who still had to finish hers.
*Stalling on putting the clean laundry away.
*Spilling the box of cheerios everywhere as they returned the box to the pantry.
*Continuing to narc on the sibling that STILL had not eaten her food.
*Begging for dessert.
*Beginning to strip down to naked for the nightly bathing ritual.
...when all of a sudden..."DING,DONG"
"Is your mother home?"
Oh. Crap.
Those words never lead to a Publishers Clearinghouse Check...in fact, they are usually bad news.
Me: "I'm right here." (Walking to the door while buttoning up my pants and praising Jesus that I had showered and brushed my hair, and then remembering the stuffy, red, rudolph nose.)
"Hi, we got a 911 hang up call from this address."
Me: "Oh, I'm sorry. Our baby was choking, but he is okay now. I didn't realize that anyone had called you."
"Yes, ma'am. Is this the one who was choking." (Pointing to He #3, naked and in diaper.)
Me: "No. It was the baby. He is in the bath right now."
(Then realizing how bad that sounded....)
Me: "His big brother is giving him a bath."
"May I come in?"
Me: "Of course, come and check on him."
As I let him in, the stupid puppy went darting out the front door...as did three kids running after her.
Big, armed, scary officer heads for my dinner ravaged, cheerio covered floor kitchen...
Me: "He is back here, in the bathroom"
He followed me down my messy toy cluttered hallway, in through the master bedroom with laundry baskets on the floor, dirty laundry in a pile on the floor, and freshly peeled off laundry covering the bathroom floor...(ugh, I wanted to die)...
Me: "There he is. Son, did you call 911? Someone called 911 and hung up."
He #1: "No."
Baby: "Hi!" (cutest face ever waving wet hand from tub)
Officer talking into vest.."I have the baby here, he is fine." (Really...As if he had just nailed some suspect. It was hilarious.)
Me nervously apologizing for the mess..."Sorry about the mess, it is crazy here around dinner and bath time."
Officer: "What do you think the baby choked on?"
Me: "A cheerio. He eats them often, but one just got stuck and made him gag. I panicked because I couldn't get him unbuckled from the highchair fast enough and yelled for someone to call 911. I just didn't realize that they did. It happened very fast."
Officer: "It is always good to wait to hang up until you tell the operator that things are okay."
Me: "I agree." (Officer dorkwad...did you not hear me? I didn't know they called 911. I didn't even know WHO called 911!)
Me: "Thank you for checking on us. We are really glad you are there to do that."
Officer: "No problem. "
As I followed him out the front door, here comes my 3 year old in a diaper, my 9 year old carrying the worlds dumbest dog, my 13 year old smacking my 11 year old telling him to get out of the street with two cop cars sitting out front of my house.
Can we say, "GHET-TO?"
Me: "Oh, when I let you in our puppy took off running."
Officer: "Yeah, I bet he looks for any opportunity to escape all those kids."
Yeah. You are so funny officer Seinfeld. Now go eat a donut.
*** And as I walked back in the house and surveyed the mess...Christmas tree still up, cereal on the floor, dinner dishes everywhere, spills and splatters on the floor, and laundry...the neverending LAUNDRY...I found myself wanting to go with him.
Thinking..."Please let me go. I will do anything. Administer breathalyzers, paperwork, cuff criminals, drive the cool SUV and turn the lights on, wear the dumb vest and CB radio on my chest. Anything. And like you, I have the gift of sarcasm."
I totally wanted out of my crazy life.
Until this conversation happened...
She #3: "Mom, can I be done?" (This is the daughter who wouldn't finish her dinner.)
Me: "Just eat this piece of meat."
She #3: "I can't eat that, that is the tail."
Me, giggling: "No honey, that is not the tail."
She #4: "Fish don't have tails."
Me: "Yes they do, but not this, it is a salmon filet."
She #2: "Ooohhh, I love filet-o-fish. I haven't had that in a really long time. Can we go to McDonald's tomorrow?"
Me: "Maybe."
HA HA hA Ha HAHA Hah aha hahahaha....
And the hubby left just in time to miss all of the
The totally humiliated, seriously hot and tempting, rudolph-nosed,
Maid
Still laughing...can't wait to see
3 comments:
Phew! That made me tired just reading it! I'm drinking a toast in your honor right this moment. May God bless you, dear Maid!
Becky,
I am sorry you don't feel good, but this is so funny! I can imagine it all happening. Now if only my mom had been the one to answer 911 and James had been on shift, it would have been even funnier.
I always love when law enforcement makes you question whether or not they are calling CPS, like the time James told Colton if his arm wasn't broke, he was going to break it for wasting money right as the doc walked back in the room. Good times!
LOL! What a night. Oh boy, you just made me feel sooooo much happier with my mild (by comparison) crazy week. I love it.
This:
Officer talking into vest.."I have the baby here, he is fine." (Really...As if he had just nailed some suspect. It was hilarious.)
Priceless.
Post a Comment