How many in your party?

I love to dine out. I love the whole experience, most of the time. I enjoy having someone wait on us and clean up our dirty plates...and I love the variety and the flavors of other people's cooking. I am such a boring cook...in fact I don't even really cook. I assemble food. I put together that pre-fab meat stuff from Costco with the tortillas and throw the bag salads in a bowl and voila...dinner. So, obviously, the fact that I can try many things and my husband gets his food covered in cheese (yuck...I hate cheese...blog for a different day) and I don't have to touch it, is well...wonderful.

When I say most of the time, let me explain....I don't enjoy dining out under these scenarios:

1) You are with people you don't like.
2) You are at a restaurant you don't care for because it was someone else's turn to pick.
3) You have kids with you and right as your food comes you have to go to the PUBLIC RESTROOM. (See germiphobe blog.) EEEWW.
4) You are dieting and you feel as if you must order a salad even though you want a burger.
5) You are celebrating your birthday and you know those morons are going to sing to you.
6) And lastly, you have the distinct pleasure of getting "the hair" in your food.

I know, it is disgusting, but it is my trademark. It is a wonder that I can even stomach the whole dining out thing after all these years, and all these hairs. I ALWAYS get the hair. You can even ask my friends. Whether we are at Burger King or on a cruise ship, I am the hair magnet.

I realize that there are worse things than hair in your food...a human appendage, a band aid, a dead bug...I haven't had those...I have had nothing worse than a lettuce aphid or a fly. I know, it is still gross.

So moving on, I do love to dine out. :) I love the whole being seated at our table and wondering what we will eat, perusing the menu (unless it is a sticky menu or has crusted food on it...that makes me sick), and you know, even salad at a restaurant tastes better. I think it is because I didn't have to make it. Making a salad for yourself is somewhat anti-climatic. You see everything that goes into it, a lot of chopping, dicing and washing and drying. By the time you eat it, you are bored. It is magnificent when they bring you your gigantic salad plate overflowing with fresh greens, maybe an egg wedge, and bacon bits and croutons...yes, I like both! Oh, and that cute little cup of dressing on the side. Woo hoo! I might even LIKE eating a vegetable.

I also like the ordering process at a restaurant...it is fun to see if you have a server who will get it right or not. Sometimes you know before they even bring your food...that they will inherently screw it up. (Usually because they just noticed their band aid is missing.) They might put on the cheese when you said no cheese, or forget to put your sauce on the side. Sigh. But, most of the time you get a server who writes it down (good girl) and brings your goodies to the table in perfect form. That is a good time. That is what I like to reward with a really great tip.

Which brings me to the point of this entire blog...gratuity. What on earth has gratuity become? Why on earth is it now mandatory? And WHY in the heck is the tip on one party of 8 more important to secure than the tips on 8 parties of four? I don't get it.

My husband used to be a server, so I have great empathy for these men and women. I believe in tipping well and I almost always do. It has to be pretty bad for me to tip less than 20%. Also, in my husband's 3 years of waiting tables, he never had a large party stiff him when it came to tip time. They were normally quite generous and appreciative of the effort it took to keep them watered and fed. Those who dined and dashed were usually in parties of two...maybe we should make them pay up front...I mean if we are going to "stereotype" or participate in "diner profiling."

What I am ultimately getting at here is one of my big pet peeves.

Ready?

Gratuity included. G R A T U I T Y I N C L U D E D!

Excuse me?

Why on earth are you punished for having a party of 8? (In some cases parties of 6!) Do they not get that you already have to wait longer for a table for 8, you have to sit in odd places with many tables thrown together, and you usually get a server who thinks you are going to be trouble anyway....so they don't put in too much effort.

I may be old school, but I thought a gratuity was a "tip." Meaning...above and beyond the cost of the service and the food, as a reward for a job well done. It seems that our society has made tipping mandatory everywhere from yogurt shops to the hair dresser. Even the Dunkin' Donuts has a tip jar by the register. Hello? You get a real hourly wage...not a server's salary...I just want to buy my Munchkin's without any added pressure, okay? I'm using a coupon for crying out loud. That means that I want to get out of here cheap! Back to restaurants, I understand that I am going to be expected to tip on top of the cost of the meal...but I still want it to be my choice as to how much and I want the server to EARN it.

Every time my husband and I take our 7 kids to dinner, we are already a "party of 8 or more." Which absolutely throws a curve ball to most restaurants time and again. They have to find where to put us, and which server can "handle" us. I think it is histerically funny that they force a tip on our family of 9 the same way they would force it on 9 adults with bar drinks, different orders and maybe even wanting separate checks. Hey, at least we only have one check. Anyone who dines out with kids understands that with four of those people age 7 or under...they would rather color than eat and are usually only prone to ask for a drink refill if anything! Pretty easy money, most of the time. (Barring any unforseen spills or extra food on the floor.)

So I love it. We are having dinner out, we have our whole family with us, and we wait a half an hour for our table. We get seated in some awkward part of the restaurant with some of our family dangling off the edge of the table. And finally, we get a server who knows that they are getting 18% of a rather large food bill whether they give a hoot or not. The chip basket goes unfilled, we have to beg for more salsa, and as we are choking on a tortilla our water glass gets filled in the nick of time. Yep, that was worth 18%.

I don't dare say anything to the server about the service though, because our main course hasn't been served, and I don't want the hair.

I guess the only way around this is if I form a Posse and protest vigorously the injustice of the mandatory gratuity. I will write letters, I will call my senators, I will lobby the capitol, .... I will suck it up and pay it and try to forget about it...."Until we Eat again."

"How many in your party?"