Just hold it...and bring the hand sanitizer

There are, invariably, three types of people in this world.

1) The fearless public restroom user.

2) The phobic public restroom user.

3) The anti-public restroom user.

**Person number one, who we shall call Pee-Mobile, does not mind using any public restroom, at any time, in any location.

This person does not check the stall first to make sure that there are no unsunken battleships in the toilet, or that it is even remotely clean. They are the ones who run in, take care of business, and run out, without ever pondering the unseen microbes that linger and could be hitching a ride on their backside until the next shower.

This person is an enigma to me. Pee-Mobile doesn't even carry hand sanitizer, isn't afraid to touch the flusher, the faucet, or the door handle when exiting the restroom, and certainly won't mind the absence of toilet seat covers. (I am having a panic attack just thinking about this person.) This is probably the same person that can base jump, ride scary roller coasters, or dive in a shark cage just for the fun of it. They go camping and don't bring a porta-potty or toilet paper...they may even wipe booty with tree bark. Pee-Mobiles are reckless and sometimes stupid, but on the upside live their lives without regrets. Although I am in awe of this person, I would never share a bag of popcorn with them. (EEEWWWW)

**Person number two, who I like to refer to as Sprint, is the one who is prepared for battle when reaching the public restroom. They do not like it in there, but they come cocked and ready to fire. They have a certain standard that the restroom must meet before they will even enter. In fact, you can recognize the Sprinter by how many stalls they peer into before entering. A line of 10 stalls may only have one acceptable potty. This person is looking for clean, dry, well-stocked, preferably odor-free, and even more preferably not recently used porcelain.

Sprint likes to bring along his/her own supplies. At any given time, he/she will have Purell alcohol gel or wipes, other hand washing supplies, and yes, even a travel sized pouch of toilet seat covers. (Oh, they do exist, trust me.) This dear person is likely to squat even with a seat cover, as added protection, and might be in such a hurry to get out of the place that he/she leaves a sprinkle on the seat.

A Sprinter is also the one who flushes with his/her shoe to avoid touching the flusher (if no auto flush is available) and who advances the paper towels with the elbow, and opens the restroom door upon exiting with a PAPER towel. (Of course this person will use the hand sanitizer after discarding the paper towel...maybe even more than once.) Depending on the state of the restroom, this person also has been known to hold his/her breath the entire duration of the restroom visit.

Although Sprints are somewhat phobic, they would still opt for public outings and just choose to come prepared. They may also be former boy/girl scouts and you can bet they probably keep a pretty clean house. Their kids get frequent doses of hand sanitizer, wipee wipe downs, and probably more than once daily baths.

**Person number three, the most cautious of them all, we will call No-Pee-A. This is the person who will never opt for public restroom usage. They limit their outings to short ones and do not stray far away from home. This is the person that admits that there is not enough hand sanitizer in the world to make them sit where strange butts have sat, and risk publicly mingling personal fluids. No-Pee-A would also admit that they have peed themselves on more than one occasion to avoid a public restroom debacle.

This is the person who gags when changing a diaper, wears gloves to clean their home toilets, and uses Clorox bleach by the truckload. In fact, ironically, this person is probably more prone to illness because of the killing of all of the good bacteria throughout his/her lifetime. No-Pee-A has also probably spent a kings ransom on antibiotics for all of his/her urinary tract infections that stemmed from "holding it."

No-Pee-A, contrary to popular belief, is not crazy. In fact, I think the further you read on in this article, you may decide to "Just Hold It."

***

With the above in mind, please read the following summary of the reasons that these personalities may have developed. Just know that you may feel you need a shower after reading this blog.

1) Automatic flushers malfunction.

* We have all had this happen, I suppose. You get your seat cover perfectly aligned on the seat, maybe even two, and when you turn around, assume the position and commence to squat, the auto flush goes off. Your butt hits the seat (gag) right as the covers are dragged into the water. Sigh.

* You are carefully placed atop the covers, making quick work of your business, when the auto flush goes off while you are still mid-stream. Of course this is no low-flow toilet kind of flush. This is the Boeing 747 flush that will, if need be, suck a small animal down the drain. This is the one that uses such a powerful spray that your germa-phobic bottom gets the crop dusting of public restroom toilet water as you are trying to quickly eject from said seat. This one might put an end to public outing, as you feel you must find the nearest Clorox wipes, if not head home to shower.

2) Public restroom toilet paper is from the devil.

* This sorry excuse for toilet paper is tightly wound and won't even tear off one square at a time. This roll often takes two hands to just get that coveted 18 inches of one ply paper.

* This roll of public restroom paper is off the holder and has been, no doubt, on the floor. (I just threw up in my mouth.) God only knows whose hands or more have touched this roll, which you are expected to dab all over your personal "produce department."

* Lastly, this roll is so thin, that as you pull the paper off the roll, you notice holes in the paper. A little like Swiss cheese. This paper is definitely not "quilted" and most certainly is considered a half a ply. No amount of this paper will make it equal regular paper. It will always feel like computer paper as you try to avoid a paper cut to the promised land.

3) The sink. Yep, the glorious washing place, not.

* You all know THIS sink. It is the one that appears to have had a small child bathing in it because there is water everywhere. In fact, no place to set your purse as you wash up, and once you begin to wash...you realize that it is spraying so powerfully that you exit the bathroom with water marks from chin to crotch. Thankfully, though it was a pressure washer because there was inevitably, no soap.

* This sink is the one that has a hot and cold button. One on each side. They do not work together. You get hot or cold. In fact, when faced with that choice, we all would rather suffer third degree burns. Another perk at this faucet is that the dumb thing has to be held down with one hand while you wash the other. Yep, that is convenient. Let me hold onto, for a prolonged period of time, the slimy, wet faucet that all the other public pee-ers touched. This is the sink that does absolutely no good without hand sanitizer. This is why women go to the potty in groups...one person has to hold the faucet down with a paper towel. Got it?

* All other sinks fit into one category, clean or not? Nothing more pleasurable than having successfully peed, flushed, and fled...only to find a filthy sink with several of Cher's long black hairs in them. Why is that? Why is it that the only stray hair in a public bathroom sink is 8 feet long and black? (I think we should lobby the legislature for mandatory hair net usage in public restrooms.)

4) The hand drying mechanism.

* The blow dryer is, in my opinion, like having a sick child cough into your hands. The recycled restroom air that it is blowing all over your "wet" hands, has to be the most disgusting invention. (Next to the one piece revolving cloth drying towel of the 70's.) Even if you don't mind the dirty air blowing on you, lingering in a place that smells of other people's junk is not for me. (I don't care how many air fresheners they try to disguise it with!)

* The automatic paper towel dispenser. You are supposed to not have to touch it. You end up having to touch 10 buttons all over the thing to find out how to manually advance the towels. By the time you score your paper towels, you need to rewash.

* The "pull with two hands" towels. Oh yep. These are a hoot. These are the ones that never tear off correctly, get jammed in the dispenser, and must be pulled on simultaneously by both hands strategically placed on the half inch of towel that is sticking out of the machine. Dude...makes me want to use my shirt.

***

So, my friends, if you are not a No-Pee-A, then you more than likely have experienced an auto-flush failure, a can't spare a square dispenser, the "Old Faithful" spray of an auto sink, or the blowing of hot, yucky air onto your flesh. Don't try to reach for my popcorn.

I'm telling ya...I think I will just hold it.

(And I do, until that four year old decides she needs to go...all I can say is....
"Please don't touch anything!") As I reach for my purell.

What kind of tinkler are you?