Kick me while I'm down, why don't ya?

Hello People.

I've been absent from blogland for a very good reason. I think I am depressed.

I have had one naturopathic wholistic tea tree oil friend (You know who you are and you know I love you) who has been telling me that for a long time. I always ignore it. I guess I feel like as long as I get up and get dressed and put on make-up occasionally, and I don't get tears tattooed from the outer corner of my eyes...I'm fine. I haven't been basking in miniature white powdered donuts or stealing from my kids' stash of Fundraiser Chocolate Bars or anything.

So I feel like I am plugging along in life, doing my best, keeping my kids out of jail, and trying not to exist solely on carbs. Someone who is going to her midwife, taking her kids to the dentist/orthodontist, and the occasional Bible Study can't be all that messed up, right?

Apparently not.

Evidently I am in deep need of St. John's Wort, says Dr. TeaTree. So today I looked it up. It goes by a few names...I found that it is also called: hypericum, Klamath weed, and goat weed. Did you see that?

Weed. My dear friend wants me to take "weed."

I mean, I've heard that it has medicinal uses, but doesn't it also give you the munchies? With my BMI, I can't afford the munchies. I mean I'm already struggling with trying to get off of Diet Coke, because everyone says it makes you fat.

The other name for it..."hypericum"...well, duh..."Hyper ICK um." Yep, that about sums up how I'm feeling.

SuperICK or as queenie would say, UberICK.

I am not one to take medications. I often even put off Tylenol until near death because I've heard that it damages your kidneys or liver or something. I take vitamins, but I am even skeptical with those. I mean how much healing power can be in one little microtube...that is pressed and compacted and chemically altered? And can those things really undo a lifetime of Taco Bell and Diet Coke?

I think the conclusion that I came to is this...I don't need to "drug up" and I'm not even sure I need to "herb up"...rather I probably need to figure out the why of it all.

Why am I depressed?

I mean the Bible says that as a man purposes in his heart, so he is. And the laymen? Even Oprah and Dr. Phil say that our behaviors stem from our thoughts and our thoughts from our feelings and our feelings from our beliefs...and our beliefs go so deep that we don't often even know what they are or why they are there.

Yep...I might just need a spot on a couch for a while. Lying down, with a really good looking shrink telling me that none of this is my fault.

(Dear husband, please disregard "good looking shrink" comment...I am perfectly content with my "good looking butler" and merely blog some things for effect, okay?)

So as I delve into my thoughts, feelings, and beliefs to try to figure out why I am here...rather than here...just humor me.

My thoughts take me to a place that I call bummerville. I realize that God's word says to take every thought captive...and not to "go there," but sometimes you just do. Bummerville consists of all of those things we decide about ourselves based upon the outside looking in perspective.

I'm unhappy with my appearance.
I'm in financial chaos.
I'm messing up my family.
I'm a terrible wife.
I'm failing as a Christian.

Yep...those are painful things to dwell on, so it is a short trip to Bummerville. You snap yourself out of it with a Diet Coke and a cookie.

Those thoughts are also not from my creator God, but from the pit.

So I move on to my feelings.

I'm unhappy.
I'm sad.
I'm scared.
I'm worried about the future.
I'm spiritually stuck.

I also realize that those feelings are temporary. Finding joy in all of my circumstances or feelings is what I am supposed to do, right? So I pull out my Bible and read in Ecclesiastes that there is a time for everything. This just might be my time to weep. (And I do.)

You can only cry for so long, though...and then you have to go change a diaper or pick up a kid from camp or celebrate a birthday or something...and you snap back into the "I love my family and this too shall pass" mentality.

Lastly, I try to figure out my beliefs:

I believe that God is in control.
I believe that He does things for my ultimate good.
I believe that He allows certain things to happen to create in me character and compassion.
I believe that God will not leave me or forsake me.
I believe that I am His child and am an heir to His throne.

With those Biblical truths, I figure I can't be that bad. If you dwell on those things, you can often overcome the thoughts and feelings that plague you and bring you down.

At least you should be able to.

Until someone calls you (as they did me last week) and tells you that you are not walking in the Spirit like you should. (While you are cleaning up puke...and headed to a "government" appointment because of your financial distress.) They question your very alignment with God's word and your walk. They tell you that you are not someone that they want to spend time with because of your cursing. Oh, and you drink. (Everyone I know can attest that you can count the number of drinks I've had in the last 5 years on one hand. And even God's word doesn't forbid drinking.) And they do all of this under the guise of "I owe you an apology because I lied to you."

Uh, okay. This person apologizes and then says, "but do you want to know why?" (Warning: If anyone calls you and asks if you want to know why they said something behind your back...just say no.) So I listened. And I cried. I was not only shocked, but hurt. And ultimately, I disagreed. It took several days of digging through scriptures to come to the conclusion that this "rebuke" was not from the Lord. I could learn from it, but it was not God that was condemning me.

God comforted me and directed me to verses which assured me that the condemnation I felt was not from Him. "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." He also took me to verses which showed me that I should strive to be a person with a gentle and quiet spirit, and that the things I say should be edifying.

I am (and have been for a while) profoundly aware of my own sins...my own ability to act in the flesh. I occasionally swear, make jokes, and react in the flesh.

I struggle (as any of us do) in many areas of my Christian walk, however, I do not consider myself to be choosing to sin. If and when I say what is not in God's will or is not edifying, I feel terrible, and I believe it is the Holy Spirit who convicts me, not others. And I will repent.

But I think this blog could be a testimony of how I have cleaned it up over the years. I try not to put anything in writing that others would take offense to. I think the worst thing I have said in this blog is "crap." (For which I was confronted, by the way.)

I think this blog is somewhat reflective of my life. Because Christians may be reading this, I try to keep it clean. You can bet that when I am around Christians, or am at church, that I am mindful of what I say. (I am actually mindful of what I say all the time...we have even confronted kids in public for using foul language.) So her accusations crushed me. I spiraled into a "I guess I'm not good enough" mentality...and wondered if God would ever use me.

Well, to that God said to me that my very brokenness is His qualification for using me. God does not call perfect people, He calls imperfect people. He wants me. Can you believe that? God wants me?

Margaritas, swear words, stinking thinking, and all...God wants me.

Ultimately I have learned a lot from this. I will be longsuffering with my friends when they offend me, because I don't know what they are going through. I will pray for them more. I will speak ill of them to no one. (That way I won't have to call and apologize...and then feel as if I have to justify my own behavior by attacking them.)

Maybe what we all need to do as friends, sisters in Christ, etc...is to take the "Friendship" hypocratic oath. Which sums it all up with this: First, do no harm.

You never help someone out of a pit, by kicking them first.

*Disclaimer: If you know me or know the people involved in this scenario, know that I mean no disrespect to anyone. I am the owner of this blog and it is a place for MY feelings and thoughts. If you wish to leave a comment, just know that it may be deleted if I feel it is inappropriate or uses identifying information. The above paragraphs are my own thoughts and feelings, hopes and goals as a Christian...if I fail them in any way, you do not need to throw them in my face in the future. While I hope I never hurt anyone, I know I will. So in advance, I am sorry. And guess what...I am still a child of God in all of my failures, and He loves me! Hallelujah!