The Season of our Friendship...

I once had a dear friend from church tell me that a close friend of hers and herself had grown apart. It seems that they lost commonality or something and no longer spent the time together that they once had. Instead of gracefully growing apart, and just letting things lie, the one friend sent my dear friend a letter...a goodbye and goodluck letter...stating that "The Season of our Friendship is over." WHAT?

Can you imagine getting a letter like that? Can you imagine writing one? In case there was any question before, there is none now. Wow. What a slap in the face.

I now think I understand the letter, and I can honestly say now, that I have experienced that kind of friendship waning. It just happens, but do we have to be so frank, so bold, so...well...unkind?

You all have gotten to see me rant a couple of times on this blog about friends or family or other things, but you should realize that most of the people that I am directing my verbal vomit at will never read this. Or if they do, since I don't NAME them, they will have some questions. They can't just assume that I mean them. You know what they say about assuming anyway, right? I really do see this blog as a brain dump at times and am well within my rights to publish whatever I want.

Would I want to directly hurt anyone, well unless it was my least favorite political candidate, the answer is no. If I thought that the person or people that I was blogging about would actually put two and two together or even read this, I would probably harness some of my venom and save it for the day that I do have to write "that letter." Dear ________, The Season of our Friendship is Over. Sincerely, The Maid.

Oh what joy it might be to actually pen those words, place the FOREVER stamp that my mom bought me for Mother's Day on it, and put it in the mail. The only problem is that you wouldn't get to enjoy the reaction of the reader as they opened your poison penned parcel.

You all know what I mean, though, right? There have been those soured friendships that have left you wanting to plant the bag of dog poo on their porch and set in on fire...ring the bell...and run, right? (Okay, I've watched too many movies.)

But seriously, it is normal when hurt by a so-called friend or rejected one too many times to want to move on. It is healthy to discern which friendships are edifying to your life, and which ones, well, just drag you down. Maybe they snipe at your choices or your parenting, maybe they like to "parent" you in front of others and make you feel inferior, maybe they like to call or email you only when they have nothing better to do...fair weather for sure. (I recently erased about 50 people from my list of email addresses...it was so liberating!)

The real friends, the true friends, they are the ones who take a licking and keep on ticking. You might have it out or disagree hugely on things, but they still would drop everything and come to your stupid jewelry party. They reciprocate. They have you over for dinner or invite you out as girlfriends or couples. They sometimes pick up the tab and they let you do the same for them. They share what they know, and don't judge you for what you don't know. They give advice when it is asked for, and gingerly when it is not. They don't normally hound or push you to do things, but sometimes they do...if they know it is good for you. Even if they are an expert on something, they listen to you and don't pretend to know more than you do. They will eat dessert with you, even when neither of you need it or want it. Lastly, they know when to give you space, and they know even more importantly when you need them not to.

My husband and I have spent the last 8 - 10 years wanting to and trying to make friends at our church. We have been in many social situations where we shared phone numbers and vowed to get together with other friends. Sometimes it worked out, sometimes it didn't. We have made friends that we can drop in on and friends that we would welcome to drop in on us. We have made friends that have lasted and friends that have faded. We have made friends that we love to hang out with and friends that we hang out with anyway...because we keep looking for the good in them. (If you are our friends and are reading this, don't try to figure out which kind of friend you are. If you are reading this, you are probably the ones we like to hang out with!)

In these last almost 10 years, I have collected phone numbers, email addresses, and snail mail addresses. I have prayed for almost all of you at times and have probably invited you to a thing or two.

What I have come to realize, is that I have needed to send out the "Season of our Friendship" letter for some time now. As we have been collecting friends over the years, I realized that maybe even God himself is showing me that I don't need or want to be friends with everyone. (Friendly, yes, intimate friends, no.) Jesus even had a close circle of intimate friends...not an email list of 100 people...but the precious 12. What I feel like I am experiencing is the ebb and flow of life, the point now at which people may disappear from my address books, but they are still a part of my heart and mind. They were there for a season, and now they are not.

I feel as if I have had something to learn from each of them...one fading friend maybe taught me that I am good enough and don't need to compare myself to her. And now I don't. I don't even desire to be her intimate friend anymore. That is freedom. To see her fallibility and realize that I am no different, no less, and just as good as she.

Another fading friend taught me that I have the ability to make people feel good about themselves or badly about themselves...I can choose how to impact people. Through the times that she made me feel inferior, I have learned that I don't want to do that. I no longer "look up to" her...but I see through her. She has pain and insecurity...despite the outward appearance.

Finally, I think of one last fading friend, and I still wonder what she taught me. Maybe she taught me that loyalty was important and not to give lip service to people. Say what you mean and show gratitude when something nice is done for you. Maybe I learned through her ingratitude and her "ear tickling" that I need to be real with people and I need to be thankful.

When I first started talking with my husband about this dilemma...how our huge pot of friends seemed to be dwindling...that we had amassed so many friends over the years that seemed to be wasting away to a select few...he had this to say.

"Maybe we are in a friend recession."

We laughed. It was silly, but it was poignantly true. The chaff is burning away and we are to be left with our intimate friends. Not that we or they are perfect, but they have been chosen by God to be a part of our lives, for this season, and we don't want to miss it.

It is only when "things" or "people" are stripped away, that you can appreciate who and what is left standing with you. Who is for you. Who is left for you in this "recession."

For those of you that are fading, you had a purpose and taught us something. For that, we thank you. For those of you that are still standing with us, thank you, and we love you. God has chosen you as our friends and we are grateful.