The Maid trades in vacuum for soapbox!

Hear Ye, Hear Ye...

Now that I have your attention, well, where should I start.

"Let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start, when you read you begin with A, B, C...when you sing you begin with Do, Re, Mi..."

Kinda makes you want to go to a musical, right?

Let me just say, that I hope that it is not a 5 & 6th grade choir concert! I mean, the Sound of Music, they are not, but we love those little pipsqueaks so we go, eh?

My daughter came into my bedroom before maidservice began, and announced that she was all too excited for her impending choir concert this evening. She was nervous, though, or so she said. Maybe she was just looking for a bit of encouragment from mom, but apparently maids with sheets still stuck to their faces are not good at this. I believe I mumbled something about you will do fine...now don't miss the bus. (Touching, I know.)

A quick background on said daughter...she is beautiful, she is delightful, she is unassuming and very sweet...so I never mind attending and supporting her. She maybe even has some musical ability and talent. (Yes, friends, I was quite the musical genius. I know you thought it was her piano playing, professional drumming father, but alas, she must get it from me. I was Gretyl in the Sound of Music after all.)

I went about my day...appointments, driving, drop offs, pick ups, more drop offs, shopping, more drop offs, and scattered throughout were diaper changes and feedings...and I still managed to get to the cafeteria (lovely place for a concert, if you ask me...wink) with time to spare.

I saw that it was filling up, my hubby and kiddos had saved me and the boys seats, and realized that I would need to stand near the back because of the stroller. I did have a good view though, so I waited expectantly to hear this delightful little program. Entitled "Opera tunists." A skit/play entwined with adapted versions (altered lyrics) of famous operatic pieces.

? Hello ? Opera ? 5th & 6th Graders ? What are we thinking ?

I remained hopeful.

As the not so eloquent, nonetheless sincere, chorus teacher took the stage, she thanked everyone for coming and told us how hard the children had worked on this and "made it their own" (that is code for if it sucks, don't blame me) and then proceeded with the much anticipated - sarcasm - program.

Again, let me remind you that I truly wanted to be here...I really wanted to hear the program and support my daughter...but apparently not badly enough to filter out all of the things that I had to endure at said program. Things that annoyed the crap out of me.

What? You ask?

Let - me - tell - you. (Get a coffee, this will be a minute.)

1) Terrible sound system, or at least a lack of knowledge as to how to use it. 200 kids are on stage and you can't hear anything they are saying because the microphones are placed poorly, the kids don't project, and the teacher is too "busy" to notice that we can't flippin' hear the dang show. (They can hear the announcements in the morning across the street from the school, but they can't figure out how to pipe the sound into a tiny little cafeteria.)

2) The lights throughout the whole cafeteria...not known for mood lighting I suppose...were on full blast. Would have been nice as a "hint" to other attendees if the lights had been dimmed...maybe they would have shut up so that we could hear just how bad the sound system was. Or maybe we could have at least not have had to look at all of the idiots with bad manners around us.

3) Families (mine included) showed up to support their siblings, however, some idiotic parents were too self-centered to take their squawling brats out of the "theater" so that others would have the privilege of "not hearing" a little better. "I gotta go potty...I goootttaaaa goooo pawtttyyyy!" Take the dang kid to the potty already.

4) Some of the kids my peeps go to school with have dads who feel it is appropriate to hang out at the back of the "theater" and carry on an entire not hushed conversation...and they do! Hello...shut up, I am trying to hear this. Step outside or go to Hooters if you need a beer and a chat, you can sit outside and be as loud as you want.

5) Some of the kids my peeps go to school with have moms who feel it is appropriate to bring squawling brat to the chatting dad and assert "Your turn" as loudly as she can so that dad will shut up and take this kid to the potty that he has been screaming for and they have been ignoring for 20 minutes now.

6) Apparently my kids also go to school with other kids who own heelies...um I know, I bought them too...but wheeling around the back of the cafeteria during our priceless opera is inappropriate. Kid - You would know this if your mom would get off her cell phone and discipline you.

7) Some kids don't have heelies, but apparently ignorant parents. So they think it okay to get up and jump all over 3 rows of people and bounce in and out of the row where their parents are sitting as the parents completely ignore her shenanigans. Don't pretend that you are so into the program that you don't see it...you barely even speak English. Hello? Se Habla Ingles? Since I don't know what the Spanish word is for brat, can you plant her little butt down, before I escort her to the border? Gracias.

8) Apparently bouncing children aren't the only ones who need an escort to the border. (And I am not talking Taco Bell.) Several parents took their children to the drinking fountain, the bathroom, and even the front of the freaking cafeteria to take a picture and wave to "sissy" right in the middle of the program! Oh, no that is not distracting at all. Kind of like your hubby's wife beater shirt and 50 tattoos, and 5 cell phone calls. (No disrespect to t-shirt wearing tattooed readers, you more than likely would be polite enough to remain seated and stay off of your cell phone.)

9) With 7 children, and a predisposition to tardiness, I am not opposed to those who must enter late. It happens to all of us. Let me just say, that if you do enter late, please do so discreetly and quietly and don't let the BIG METAL CAFETERIA DOOR SLAM behind you. Thank you. (Over and over again...slam, slam, slam, slam, duh? What happened to trying to casually slip in when late and carefully buffer the door with your hands?) UGH!

10) Not a soul was in sight from the school...no principal, no other teachers, no other staff, no security, nobody! Had just a handful of name-badge wearing Public School officials been present to man the doors, the back of the room, and the side of the "theater" which housed the restrooms, well...maybe we could have had a real theater experience, eh?

Lest you think I am a goody two shoes that brags about everything my child does and scrapbooks each bloody nose, let me tell you that I was as happy as everyone else in the room that it was over. In fact as the cheers from the crowd erupted, I was thinking "You can't fool me for a minute with that fake applause crap" I knew it was not "Yay sweetie...that was awesome...encore!" But rather it was "Woohoo we can get our peeps out of here and go out to dinner", where we can quit acting like we are interested in all those other dang kids and just spend time with ours. I know...I've got your number.

As for my sweet opera singing little 6th grader, she stole the show in a too tight, spaghetti strapped shirt that was against school dress code, fur lined winter shoes, the wrong pants (needless to say dad got her ready) and chewed gum the ENTIRE time. Since I asked, she informed me that it was okay because she just pushed the gum to the side when she had to sing. Yep, that is my future "Soprano" and most probably future Heidi Klum reject. ("You are off...please exit the runway")

As designer Christian from Project Runway would say, she is a "hot mess."